Our Journey's End: Ethan's Arrival

Happy due date! My little Ethan, our second born, is full term today and I’m here to tell our story.

It’s been a full year now since we started this journey. It was June 22^nd of last year that I wrote my first blog entry and invited you to come along with me, not knowing how any of it would pan out. Were we in for more heartache and loss? Or would things be a little easier this time? I had no idea, and I was scared and hesitant to go down that road again. But I was hopeful too, and felt stronger than before. And I had a purpose: to teach about the in vitro process, about infertility and conception, so that we could all understand and appreciate the miracle of it.

Thank you for coming along with me, for taking the time to be with me. I don’t know who all joined me but I know I had quite a few followers. I’m so glad that we had a happy outcome from all of this, that I’m here now, a year later, to share a birth story with you. What a beautiful way to wrap up this journey.

So, from what I gather, I basically shopped myself into labor.

It was Wednesday, June 8^th, and though I was great with child, I was headed out for one last shopping spree. I’d just hit 38 weeks and was plugging away at my to-do list, trying to prepare for the baby. Since I was dilated to a 4 a week earlier, I knew the baby could come at any time and I wanted to be ready. I’d finally gotten my hospital bag packed and was down to the final few items on my list. I’d have to spend my evening hitting up a few stores to get what I needed and then I’d be DONE. I could spend my final days of pregnancy at home with some time to relax! That sounded wonderful.

It was a long evening hitting up stores, with seven stops total. Phew! I still had one more store on my list, but my body was long since DONE with all the walking. About halfway through my shopping spree, I started to feel the usual aches and pains from being on my feet for too long. I felt cramping in my lower back and pelvic area and had to lean on my shopping cart to try and ease some of the pressure.

I was pretty accustomed to these pains, especially with long hours of shopping. In fact, I’d already been out earlier in the afternoon, and with my toddler too! So I knew my body was getting tired of the hustle and bustle. Even so, the pains were getting pretty severe as the evening wore on, more so than usual. I figured I’d really outdone myself this time. Clearly I needed to wrap this up and get home so I could lie down and rest.

It was especially bad at Lowe’s, my final stop for the night, where waiting in line was a real trial. The cashier was trying to ring up a pipe for his customer and was struggling to see the numbers on the pipe. It was painful to watch, the cashier squinting at the numbers and typing them in, one or two at a time. I don’t know how many numbers that pipe had, but it was way too many. I wanted to shake somebody. HELLO! Can we hurry up with the stupid pipe!? My body is KILLING me!

I’d left at 5:30pm and it was now 9:30pm. Phew, I was exhausted! I walked in with all my spoils and was so happy I’d gotten nearly every item on my list, even if it took a ton of effort. It was a successful outing and that always feels good.

Nick had made some soup and I sat down to eat it. Yes, I was finally eating dinner at 9:30pm. But I just wasn’t feeling it. Not at all. I looked at that soup – and it’s really good soup! – and my body said, “No.” That was the first time I suspected that something might be different about these pains. No appetite after a full night of shopping? Hmmm.

Even though my pains persisted, I wanted to check out some of my new items before heading to bed. I was especially excited about a mirror I’d bought for the kids’ bathroom and wanted to see if it would work in that space. I started to take it out of its packaging but I didn't get far before I was doubled over on the floor, feeling those pains coming on strong. Apparently, it wasn’t enough for me to be home and off my feet. I needed to abandon the mirror, and all other plans, and go straight to bed.

But I didn’t. My shower called to me instead, offering me relief. And it did! I let the hot water hit my back, where most of my pain was coming from, and it felt wonderful. Hot showers and baths do wonders for me and my pains, and this was no exception. I was beginning to think that these pains would finally go away. I could soak up all this hot water, jump into bed, and go to sleep.

But the pain came back, again and again. Sometimes it was a dull ache, easy and manageable. Other times, I had to feel the spray on my back to take some of the edge off. Ouch, did it hurt! I was huffing and puffing through the pain, moving in all kinds of positions, trying to get comfortable and enjoy my shower, but it was difficult. As lovely as it was to feel the heat and get some relief, I was anxious to be done and get in bed! No doubt this would finally go away once I could lie down.

So, I jumped into my jammies, climbed into bed, and…

…found myself doubled over on the floor.

Man, was I EVER paying for my evening out! Sheesh!

At this point, Nick was getting pretty concerned. He’d come to me in the shower and asked if I was okay. I guess seeing your wife lying on the floor of the shower, huffing and puffing and groaning and warped in all kinds of interesting positions, is cause for concern. Now, instead of relaxing in bed, I was writhing on the floor, and he was getting much more worried. He asked if we should go to the hospital but I was still feeling certain that my pains were caused by all the shopping. Eventually, they would die down and I could relax and get some sleep. In the meantime, he gave me a Tylenol to help with the pain and we waited.

But the pains never stopped.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Duh, you’re going into labor!” It may seem obvious now, but I did have a few things tripping me up.

First, I was pretty sure I was paying for the shopping spree, since this had happened before. There’d been plenty of times when a long evening shopping had ended with a whole lot of aches and pains, with me waddling to the car anxious to get off my feet and relieve some of the pressure. I figured this was a particularly bad bout of pains, which made sense since I’d been shopping A LOT that day.

Second, when I think of labor pains, I think of contractions up front, a tightening of the abdomen. But all my pain was in my lower back and lower pelvic area. These didn’t feel like contractions to me. They just felt like really bad menstrual cramps.

And then there were moments of relief, moments when the pain would die down and even go away completely, and I’d think, “Okay, it’s finally over.” I’d settle into bed and feel relieved. Phew, no more pains. Time to relax. But, of course, my relief was only temporary and the pains would come back again and again.

Wait a minute! That’s what contractions do!

With the pain coming and going, I finally started to realize that this could be true labor. I looked up symptoms, utterly confused on all the back pain when I expected it up front, and found I was definitely not in the false labor category. In fact, I was having a lot of the true labor symptoms, and could see that back pain was really quite normal. Hmm…

I got in touch with the on-call OB who told me that I could be dehydrated and should drink lots of water. But, he said if I was not able to sleep through the pains or get comfortable at all, then I should probably be seen. I had serious doubts that a tall glass of water was going to help my aches and pains at this point. Get comfortable? Go to sleep? Yeah, right! Not happening. I did drink lots of water, and I did wait a little while longer, but I was pretty sure I was going into labor. The pain was not letting up, not even remotely. Guess there’d be no resting and relaxing after all. It was time to go to the hospital!

It was about 11:30pm when I called my dad and stepmom and asked them to come and stay with Gavin. I wasn’t too keen on inconveniencing people for false labor, having them pack up and drive over in the middle of the night, which is another reason I hesitated so much. With those breaks between contractions, I'd always doubt myself and wonder whether the pain was finally going away. Lucky for me, I didn't have to wait long before my doubts were dispelled with a fresh wave of pain.

Still, even driving to the hospital, I found myself worrying this was all a false alarm. I told Nick, "Like, right now, I feel fine!"

But I was struggling to walk into the hospital once we got there, doubled over with another contraction. We were put into a triage room and had the monitors hooked up. Sure enough, I was having typical labor contractions, though still dilated to a 4. They were going to watch me to see if I progressed.

I kept feeling the pain coming and going, with contractions about 2 to 4 minutes apart. They were painful, but nothing I hadn't experienced before when having a period. I've had some real doozies in the past, some period pains that had me writhing in bed. This felt like one of those times.  It didn't take long for my pains to reach a new level, though. I'd told the nurse that my pain was at a 5 or 6, but I called her back after 30 minutes and told her we were getting closer to a 7 now. With my pains getting more intense, they went ahead and admitted me, sending us down to our own room.

A couple of things went through my mind in regards to the pain. The pain itself was difficult but something I could definitely live through. For a moment - a brief moment - I considered plowing through without drugs. But there were three problems. 

First, I knew that the pain was only just beginning. Part of me was curious to experience the higher levels of pain that come with transitioning and child birth, but I was interested in experiencing that kind of pain only for a moment, not all night long. It's like eating a sample at Costco. Take a bite to placate your curiosity, but you don't have to go and buy the family-size bag of it. But I didn't see a way of making that happen, of getting just a peak. By the time you’re experiencing the full force of it, it’s too late for drugs. Family-size or bust.

Second, the pain comes pretty frequently and can last a while. If contractions were 10 or 15 minutes apart, then I'd be more willing to sign up for the experience. But with extreme pains coming every two minutes, that's a LOT of time spent in a LOT of pain.

Third, since it was the middle of the night and I was getting pretty tired, spending my evening in unnecessary - and worsening - pain didn’t sounding too appealing. If I had the opportunity to get some rest before delivering and taking care of a newborn, then perhaps I should take it.

So the moment was fleeting and I said yes to the epidural, especially since the pain was worsening quickly and my contractions were close together. Can't say that getting an epidural is too peachy of an experience. It's like getting something done at the dentist, where you tell yourself it will be over soon, you just have to make it through the moment.

I felt good about my choice when I heard women screaming in the other rooms. At one point, I was wondering if somehow a parrot had been released in the halls. It sounded like it was squawking in distress, trying to find its way out. Then I realized it was a woman in labor, perhaps having a baby at that very moment. I heard another woman who kept screaming a series of quick consecutive screams. I figured she was either delivering a baby, getting a C-Section without anesthetic, or watching Paranormal Activity.

In the meantime, I was feeling very good about my epidural.

One thing I was very adamant about was NOT getting a catheter in BEFORE the epidural. I'd had that done with Gavin and it was one of the worst parts of the whole labor and delivery experience. OUCH! Thank goodness we skipped that this time. (shudder)

It was 1:30am when I was admitted to my own room and got the epidural. Now that I had my relief, I was feeling very sleepy, especially after a full day of running all over town.  We decided not to tell anyone about me being in the hospital so we could avoid the back and forth texting all night. Better to get as much rest as we could and contact people in the morning. Nick got comfortable on a little sofa by the window and went right to sleep. In the meantime, I dozed off and on and worried over what to name this baby (always a challenge for me).

My labor was slow to progress, despite close contractions. They'd come in and check me every hour and I'd barely made any progress. It was a little frustrating and yet I didn't much care since I had the epidural anyway. More time to doze, I guess, or attempt to anyway.

They came in at 5:30am to break my water and help things move along faster. Once again, I seemed to surprise the doctor with my fluid quantities.  I'd gotten a lot of oohs and ahs when they broke my water with Gavin. This time, the doctor said we'd need extra towels to clean up the "pool" I'd created. 

I guess I like to incubate my babies in a vast ocean. I’ll probably warn them next time, tell them to be prepared for a tidal wave. Funny thing is, when they broke my water, I did feel some of the pressure go down on my belly, felt myself deflate a little bit. That was a welcome relief!

It will still slow-going after that. By the time I went to text everyone at 7am, I was dilated to a 7. I’d been in labor about 12 hours at that point, but I’d only dilated an extra 3 centimeters. Ugh. But it went a little faster after that. By about 9am, I was completely ready. They called the doctor to come to the hospital and deliver this baby.

Everything had been pretty low key and uneventful. The nurses came and went and were attentive to my needs. I had my dad come to take pictures and some PG video, so we chatted a little bit. I was feeling tired but still in MUCH better shape than when Gavin was born. I was kind of amazed at how easy it all was.

Of course, now it was time to push and that had been a lot of work with Gavin. It didn't really make sense since he was only 4 lbs, but I'd had to push a good 30 minutes to get him out. And then I'd had that complication with the placenta too. It didn't come out at all and the doctor had to go in and get it out manually. I bled a TON because of that and was in such bad shape recovering. I couldn't even sit up without passing out. Yeah, that was a wild ride.

So I didn’t know what to expect this time around. I was a little nervous, but everything had gone so smoothly thus far, so I was hopeful everything would be nice and uneventful.

The doctor told me it was time to push and I told him I was no good at it, that we might be in for a long delivery. If I had to wrestle a 4 lb baby out of me, who knows how long it would take with a full term baby. He was very good at explaining where to focus my pushing so I tried to follow his advice and got started.

I figured, whatever happened, I was at least feeling so much more prepared to deliver a baby this time. With Gavin, I was so worn out and exhausted that I was falling asleep between pushes. Thank goodness I felt only mild fatigue this time.

 I can do this! Easy peasy!

And it was! SO SO EASY!

I had one contraction and pushed three times. I could feel him descending. Wow, this is actually working this time!? My pushes are DOING something!

I had a second contraction and pushed another three times. I could feel the baby coming OUT! WHAT THE HECK!? Already!?!

I stopped pushing and the baby was sitting there with his head halfway out. Wow, this was so fast, almost too fast! It’s like we were skipping the climax of the story and heading right to the end. I reached down and felt his head there and started to cry. This was really happening, right here, right now!

My next contraction came and I gave one final push. He was out! I started pushing at 10:00am and he was born at 10:02am. Just two minutes of pushing, seven pushes total. I was completely flabbergasted. Truly, everything was just too easy with this baby!

They put him right on my chest and went to work wiping him down there. He actually wasn't too messy and we were able to do skin to skin very quickly. He was crying quite a bit and looked healthy, nice and pink. I wanted to get a good look at his face, but he was so happy to be snuggling with me that I felt bad pulling him away. The nurses were nice and let me snuggle him for a good long while before they took him to get weighed and checked. I loved this time to bond and was still reeling from how quickly and smoothly everything went.

Sadly, there was a bit more hustle and bustle than I wanted at that point. About halfway through my pushing, a few other nurses came into the room with no explanation on why they were there. I assumed it was some sort of clean up crew, but their timing seemed inconsiderate. They were all a little chatty. I felt like I was in their break room or something, a little too casual for the sacred experience of birthing and snuggling a brand new baby. I was on the verge of speaking up when they finally piped down and cleared out, but it's definitely made me hope for a different experience next time.

Everyone had a lot to say about the umbilical cord, which was wrapped twice around his neck and also had a true knot in it. A knot in the cord is pretty rare, about 1 out of 2000 births. The doctor said he'd only seen it 4 times before. He was amazed by it. He said the baby could have certainly been in danger if that knot had tightened up. Guess all those acrobatics in the womb had gotten things pretty twisted up in there!

He got me all sewed up - said I tore "a little" but it was not "a little" - and everyone cleared the room quickly. We were finally able to snuggle with our new little guy, and snuggle in peace.

There were so many blessings with this birth. First, that I was able to push him out so quickly, as opposed to the hard work I put in with Gavin. Second, I birthed my placenta right away and was saved the ordeal of getting it out manually and bleeding half to death. Thank goodness for THAT! Third, I could snuggle and bond with him right away, instead of having him whisked away before getting a glimpse of him. Lastly, this little baby was a real champ and nursed within minutes of his birth. I'd had such a hard time teaching Gavin to nurse, a huge challenge with him being so little. There were many tears and frustrations because of that. To have this new baby latch right away was a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Amazement. Relief. Calm. Gratitude. Those were my feelings in holding this baby.

After snuggling about 45 minutes, they finally weighed and measured him. He was 7 lbs 4 oz and 19.5 inches long. I wondered what he'd have been at full term, since he came two weeks early. He just had his two week checkup today, on his due date, and was 21 inches long and 7 lbs 13 oz, so I suppose we can figure he’d have been around that. A good average-sized baby.

They took me over to recovery. Again, things were much different this time. We had a flurry of visitors with Gavin, but everyone was at work or out of town now, and he was a little early so some people weren’t quite prepared to visit and help out yet. Things were very quiet and that was just fine. I was happy to have the chance to rest.

My dad and stepmom brought Gavin over later in the afternoon, after Nick and I had both had a chance to rest a little and bond with the baby more. Gavin was so cute meeting his little brother. Since he loves babies, I figured he'd adore him. He kept saying, "so cute" and was wanting to touch him and snuggle him. We had to do some intervention to make sure he didn't overdo it on the smothering. That will be my task for these next few months, keeping the baby alive with his hyperactive brother around.

I loved having my two boys together. It makes me wonder how they'll do together. I know some brothers who fight a lot and others who get along just great. Here's hoping they can be good friends. I imagine the two of them playing and having adventures together, and it makes my heart so happy.

I didn't stay long in the hospital. Nick went home that night to be with Gavin so I was by myself for the night, and most of the next morning too. Of course, I was resting as much as I could, and wrestling with some names for a good long while, but otherwise I had nothing to do and was feeling good enough to be home. My dad and stepmom were the only visitors, so I figured I was better off resting in the comfort of my own home instead of sitting in the hospital by myself. Plus, Nick had his parental leave start right away, so he would be home to help take care of me and the boys. So the four of us went home later the next day, Nick and I and our two boys: Gavin Royce and Ethan Gabriel.

As a side note, Gavin was ALMOST named Seth and Ethan was ALMOST named Rowan. It took a GREAT deal of struggle to settle on a name, let me tell you!

It's been so different this time, the pregnancy, the birthing, and even being at home with the baby. It's wonderful to have Nick here to help out and ease me into this new phase. I get to sleep a little bit more since he’s here to take care of Gavin, and that’s a huge plus. I also feel more experienced this time. I’ve had a baby before so it’s not like this is all new territory, and that helps.

I’m not sure how often I’ll get to go out, though, once Nick goes back to work. It’s easy to take a newborn out, but my toddler is definitely in defiance mode. We were making improvements and I was feeling hopeful about his listening skills. I was even bragging recently about what a wonderful phase he is in, how he’s been such a good boy, attentive and affectionate and obedient. But he’s regressed A LOT and I assume a big part of that is the baby and all the changes. Now I’m looking for ways to keep him busy and active, and to have positive interactions with him as much as possible. It’s going to be a learning process. These first few months will be a challenge as we all transition.

As for Ethan, he's been a pretty easy baby. Gavin was the noisiest sleeper and would keep me up all night with his grunts and squeaks. We’d have to take turns sleeping in the same room with him. Whoever was on Gavin duty was not going to sleep well, if at all. Phew, that was stressful! But Ethan has been a peaceful sleeper and sleeps just fine in his bassinet by our bed. He doesn’t need any of the vibrations or music or lights or any of that either. He’s just an easy kid. He’s had a few bouts of gas here and there, and he doesn’t go too long between feedings, sometimes just two hours. I feel lucky to get a three hour stretch at night, which is a little rough. But he’s brand new and I know it gets better.

Ethan did have jaundice and we got some lights at home to do phototherapy. I worried it would be a long and difficult process, but he seemed to actually like it! I think he liked that it kept him warm. We were done with the lights after 48 hours and he’s all good now.

He's gotten cuter and cuter each day and is growing like crazy. He eats A LOT! We just fed him, and he’s over here gnawing on his hand. Ha ha!

I love when he stares right at you and I love his little baby coos and grunts. I love his little mouth and his little chin. I'm still not sure who he looks like. His ultrasound pictures had looked like Gavin so that’s what I expected. Every once in a while, I see Gavin in him, but he’s definitely his own man. I’m guessing we’ll see some similarities as he gets older.

At any rate, I think he's pretty cute so I plan on keeping him. ;)

As for me, I’ll forever wonder whether I shopped myself a baby or if Ethan was determined to come on June 9^th, one way or another.

Stretched to the Limit - the Final Month

Well, it’s official. I’m an Easter egg.

And, thankfully, I’m only one month from my due date. YEAH!

I’d be happier if I had only two weeks left, considering how large and uncomfortable I feel, but it’s nice to know I’m so close to the end.

Yes, these last few weeks have been rough. I may have had it easy for a good long while, but things changed pretty quickly. No more tiny baby bump for me. I’m poking out now and I’m feeling it, feeling all that stretching and aching. Sometimes it feels like I pulled a muscle in my abdomen because I’m so stretched out! I can’t stand right or walk right because of the pain. Heck, I can’t even sleep right. Rolling over in bed is a painful chore, as is getting OUT of bed, which I do frequently to get up and go to the bathroom. All in all, I feel like an achy old woman whose body is breaking down, like I’m doing intense workouts every day, but instead of getting fitter, I’m getting fatter!

My doctor wasn’t exactly encouraging either. I met with him a few days ago and told him of my aches and pains. He smiled and said, “That’s great! And they’re gonna get worse!” Yippee for me! If that’s the case, I guess it’s time we get our new hot tub working. Some days, a good soak is just what I need.

Yes, we have a hot tub, along with a backyard and a house! We moved on April 30^th into our very first home, which is very exciting. But moving has been quite a process. Normally, I get us right in, put everything in its place, and have everything designed and decorated within a week or two. Atmosphere is huge for me and I love to create an inviting space in my home, to make it feel like we’re all settled in.

But with our new home, there’s so much space to fill and it’s a little overwhelming, especially being so pregnant. I’m trying to do as much as I can before the baby comes, to get things furnished and get some paint on the walls. But I know we won’t get too far. Many of the walls and rooms will remain bare and unfinished for a little while. It’ll have to be a work in progress, put together piece by piece. That’s not my style at all. I get obsessive about projects, get hyper-focused and work on it ‘til it’s done! But it's too big of a project to approach that way so I’ll have to learn to take it slow and steady.

Slow and steady. Ha ha! Yeah, that’s not me. But I’m happy to have fun projects to work on and have the space to work with. And Nick is too. What a blessing for us, to finally have our own home!

We have gotten a few pieces of furniture and made a few decisions on design, but most of our progress has been in Gavin’s room, which has turned out very cute. I only need to put up a few photos and get him some curtains, but otherwise his room is done and he loves it. Of course, we went with a Cars theme, since he’s quite obsessed with that movie, and with cars in general. In fact, we just watched Cars last night and he was quoting the entire movie, line by line, as he was watching it, including the songs. To think that a year ago, he wasn’t even talking yet!

Now I’m on to the baby’s room. I’ve been thinking of doing an ocean theme. I want to create some of my own art pieces for the room and figure that’s a fun subject with lots of possibilities, though I’m also considering an elephant theme since they’re so darn cute. It’ll be fun to have the boys’ rooms done, feel like I have one area of the house all complete.

Some of home design is fun, like when you run across that perfect piece of furniture or decoration or color. I can’t say that painting is fun, though. We painted Gavin’s room and discovered what a chore it can be, especially all the detail work. Bending and reaching and squatting are not too fun when you’re weighed down with a baby belly, either. I’ve decided that painting isn’t particularly suited to large pregnant women. Nor is it suited for young children. We had to do all our painting at night while Gavin was asleep, to avoid whatever can and will go wrong when you put a toddler and an open paint bucket in the same room. I can only imagine.

On top of the moving and home design and pregnancy pains, I spent a good chunk of this last month battling a horrific cold, with all kinds of symptoms coming and going and keeping me up at night. I had trouble breathing, I had a terrible ache in my teeth, a violent cough (which is especially fun when you have no bladder control, by the way), and the most wicked sore throat. This went on for three unbearable weeks! I finally went to an instacare and they gave me some antibiotics for a sinus infection. Thankfully, I started feeling better and have gotten some of my energy back.

The sore throat has persisted, though, especially at night. In fact, my throat will clench up throughout the day, which is quite a bother. I’ll be talking and get interrupted because my throat is constricting. I thought it might be allergies but now I’m wondering if this is some form of acid reflux, as I know that’s very common in pregnancy. It doesn’t feel good, but I suppose I’ve come to accept it after how horrible I felt for so long! All I have is a sore throat? Okay, I can live with that! I’ll ask the doctor about it at my next visit, though.

I’ve always been amazed with pregnancy, that a woman’s body has the capacity to carry this growing life inside of her. I remember the first half of my pregnancy, knowing that the baby was below my belly button, in the lower part of my abdomen. Now I can see and feel him moving all the way up under my chest. It’s a little bit freaky to think of him taking up that much space in my body, crowding out all my other organs. My doctor confirmed that I’m running out of room. He measured me and said so, said that my uterus is all the way up to my rib cage, to my xiphoid. Yep. That’s why I feel so achy. This guy has been really stretching me out!

Then I see movement and I wonder, ‘Okay, was that a hand, a foot, an arm? I don’t even know! But it’s my son and he’s nearly here!’ It’s still pretty unreal and I suppose it’s because I still have a few weeks to go before he makes his big debut. But another part of it – perhaps a bigger part – is that I really don’t know him yet, not even at all. That’s the thing about having a baby. You really have no clue who’s coming into your family, not even what he looks like or anything about his personality. It’s like having this present wrapped up and sitting next to you for nine months. All the while, you have no idea what’s inside of that box, not until you open it. You know you’ll love it, you know it’s going to be good, but other than that, it’s a complete mystery. Makes it a little hard to anticipate anything, to envision any of it or prepare yourself in some way. You just open the box, see what’s inside, and go from there!

In the meantime, I’ve felt myself get closer to Gavin, felt a stronger bond with him. He’s at a cute stage anyway, so it’s easy to do. But I’ve felt a little sad knowing it won’t be the two of us anymore. It’s fun to be so close to him, to have him as my little buddy throughout the day. And I’ve seen him develop a closeness to me too. Now I know we’ll have to share that time together with someone else. I’m very excited for him to have a brother and to see that relationship grow. But it’ll never be the same once his brother comes so I’m trying to enjoy my special moments with him, my cute little adventurer.

Not only will he have to share his time with me, but Mommy will be in zombie mode for a little bit, and this mommy doesn’t do well with minimal sleep. Who knows what’s in that box and what kind of a night I’ll be having once the baby is born, whether he’ll be an easy baby or a tough cookie. We definitely had a rough start with Gavin, who was never a good eater and kept us up at night with all his squeaking and grunting noises. He was a light sleeper too and would scream bloody murder whenever we’d put him to bed. Thank goodness THAT has turned itself completely around, since he’s now the most willing bedtime kid you could ask for! As for this baby, only time will tell!

Speaking of time, we’re getting very close and it’s almost time to get ready for delivery. I talked with my doctor about scheduling an induction. I mentioned before that I have a lot happening in June and July and I can’t have him be late, and I have this inkling that the baby would cook extra long if I let him. So I got it all figured out and decided that the weekend of the 18^th and 19^th was the best time to get him here. That would be close enough to his due date (June 22^nd) to give him a good chance to come on his own, which I’d prefer since I already had the induction experience with Gavin. Going into labor on my own sounds a lot more fun and exciting.

Well, the doctor messed me all up because they don’t do inductions on the weekends. Scratch that plan! You can’t schedule an induction more than a week before your due date, so I won’t be delivering this baby any time before June 15^th, and my doctor doesn’t work on Wednesdays, so those days are out. That leaves me with four induction dates – June 16, 17, 20, or 21.

The 20^th and 21st seem too late. We have to drive to California on the 29^th and I’d like plenty of time to heal before leaving. And my birthday is the 27^th so it’d be nice to keep some distance between birthdays. On the other hand, I worry that the 16^th and 17^th are too early, that I’m not giving him enough time to come on his own. Maybe if I’d have waited, he’d have come on that Father’s Day weekend anyway and that would have been more exciting. Ya never can tell!

So I’m a little lost on what to do. And it may all be a pointless anyway. He may come tomorrow for all I know! But let’s hope not!

But I do wonder. Is 6.16.16 too many sixes, or is that a cool date?

Let’s see:

6.16.16

6.17.16

6.20.16

6.21.16

Are any of those sticking out to you?

What I wanted was 6.19.16. What a fun Father’s Day that would be!

But we have still have a few weeks to sort it out. In the meantime, I’ll be bonding with my little buddy, getting the house ready as much as I can, and trying to manage an ever-growing body with ever-increasing discomfort. I’m excited to get closer and closer to the due date, to feel like it COULD happen any day. And I’m excited to get everything ready for the baby, to have his clothes put together, some tiny diapers set aside, a little bag for the hospital, a cute room to come home to. It’s definitely time to start getting ready!

A New Home for Baby Taylor & Family

I should be packing, putting all my things into boxes for yet another Taylor family move. That’s what I should be doing. But writing sounds so much better.

I’m in full blown pregnancy mode right now. I’m feeling enormous all over and it’s getting uncomfortable to shift around. I feel (and see) the stretching happening. And there are aches and pains in special places. There may be glorious things happening with the baby inside of me, but nothing so glorious happening with my own body.

I know this is the price you pay for motherhood – oh wait, I’ve paid a lot of prices for that! – and I should be grateful. And I am. Honestly, my pregnancy has been pretty easy and I know it could be a lot worse, with thick ankles and heartburn and leg cramps and whatever else gets thrown on the table with pregnancy. But I do I feel large and unattractive, emphasis on FEEL because I know I don’t look unattractive, I just look pregnant. But then I look down at my belly and know it’s going to get larger – perhaps MUCH larger - and that definitely scares me! More stretching? More discomfort? For two months?? Oh boy!

As you can imagine, I’m feeling ready for this baby to come now. At least my body is feeling that way. I was telling my husband that I feel like a host now, that my body is not my own, and it’s a little bit freaky and uncomfortable at times. When I had Gavin, I remember feeling sadness and loss, because I felt myself lose that bond we’d had being tied together, occupying the same space. It was a strange and unexpected feeling. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be feeling relief instead, when this baby comes out and I can have my body back. With Gavin, I never got so big and uncomfortable. But this baby is a different story, and I imagine the experiences between birthings can be very different as well.

And I can feel that birthing getting closer and closer, about eight weeks away now! I can’t quite wrap my head around it yet, but then we never know how it’s going to pan out so it makes it hard to really envision it. There are so many unknowns until you’re in the moment. I think I have pretty reasonable expectations, especially knowing things can happen so differently than you expect. Really it’s just about getting the baby here and everyone feeling okay in the end.

I only have two major preferences – to deliver the baby full term (or close enough), and to deliver vaginally. I keep having this fear of a C-Section, just because I know that it happens to plenty of women. I’d be a little nervous for the procedure itself, but I’m more nervous to feel gipped out of my birthing experience. I don’t want to feel let down in that way. Still, if everyone is happy and healthy in the end, then it’ll be okay.

As of right now, I don’t have any reason to expect any trouble. I’ve had a few scares, but they were false alarms. I have a terrible cold right now and was having trouble breathing the other night. It’s always a little difficult to breathe when you can’t use your nostrils! But I found myself struggling to get enough air even when breathing through my mouth. Then I heard this sound on my exhale, the same squeaking and crackling sounds I’d heard when I’d gotten pre-eclampsia with Gavin and my lungs had filled up with fluid. Oh no! Was this happening all over again? Please don’t tell me I’m going to have a repeat experience, get severe pre-eclampsia, and deliver this baby early, with no sleep either!

I figured the cold could produce a similar experience, that my lungs could be hampered down by mucus and produce those same sounds. But I decided to call my doctor, just to be sure. The doctor asked if I had any other pre-eclampsia symptoms, and I didn’t. He assured me that it was the cold. Phew! False alarm, thank goodness!

I also had elevated glucose levels and had to take the lovely three hour glucose test last Friday. You drink this yucky sugary liquid and they draw your blood four different times to see what your body does with all that sugar inside of you. Results came back today and I do NOT have gestational diabetes. Another dodged bullet.

So everything continues to progress normally and I’m feeling thankful. I feel like I can’t really be surprised by anything at this point. If I suddenly had complications and had to deliver early, I wouldn’t be surprised. It happens and I’m familiar with the experience. If we went full term with no troubles, I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s been an easy baby thus far, and seems healthy and strong, so I have no reason to believe things should go wrong. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was late!

Actually, I’m getting more and more convinced that a scheduled induction is the right way to go this time because I really cannot have him be late. We have too many things going on later in June and July so if he decides to cook extra long in there, it will complicate things a little. For now, I’m eye-balling the weekend of June 18^th as my induction weekend. That’s only a few days shy of his due date anyway, so he may have already come by then, which would be great.

Hopefully I’ll have figured out his name by then! I’m really wishing I had one ready so I could start calling him that, make it feel more like he has an identity other than just, “baby.” I am an over-the-top perfectionist when it comes to names, probably the most name-obsessed person I know. I mean, I’ve spent hours – HOURS – coming up with names for my video game characters. So you can imagine the struggle to find a name for my child. Hey, you’re stuck with this thing for LIFE! It better be a good one. I need it to look good and sound good, but it’s been a never-ending struggle to find something I LOVE for a boy name.

The search continues, but he’ll probably be named Ethan, since I haven’t found anything else I love quite as much and I’ve definitely been searching and searching. Just need to find a magical middle name to go with Ethan, or a unique name that goes well with Taylor and sounds super rad. Haven’t found that yet. I think he’s going to need a good strong named, based on his punches and kicks. I’ve even gasped while writing this blog because he punched me so bad and it really hurt!

I may be ready physically, but this is definitely not the time for him to come. We’re right in the middle of a big move and this move is different from the others. Yes, Nick and I are finally buying our first home! It feels weird and different and scary and exciting. It took a lot of searching for us to find what we wanted, and we had to make a few compromises, but it’s really a lovely home and will be good for our growing family.

I’ll include some pictures, but I’ll tell you a little bit about the home. There were two major selling points for us. First, the home is just a four minute walk to the Trax station. Because of our medical bills, we’ve been a one car family for a while now and probably will be for some time. We were hoping to keep it that way, and this is a perfect opportunity to do that. Nick has been biking to work, but the winter months were difficult when biking wasn’t an option. Now he can take Trax directly from his home to his work, no matter the weather, so it’s a great year-round solution to our transportation dilemma.

The other big selling point was the openness. We both really love an open feel and this home definitely has it, with vaulted ceilings and an airy feeling that’s very inviting. I really really love that about the home.

There are some other great features too. There are some mountain views and a very cool deck in the backyard that’ll be great for entertaining. There are some pretty swank showers in the home that are very accommodating for tall husbands. The home itself is very clean, with no major projects needed. And the neighborhood is really quite lovely, with very nice homes, cool parks, and the Jordan Landing shopping center nearby, which has every store and restaurant you could want in it. They don’t have a Cheesecake Factory though. Hmmm, probably a good thing.

It’ll be exciting to move in, which happens this Saturday, April 30^th. Gosh, it will be weird to actually own a home, to paint my walls and decorate and do repairs and upgrades and landscaping, all how I want to do it. It’s going to be a lot of fun and I’m excited for Nick especially, for him to have projects to work on and something to be proud of. It’s been a long time coming, that’s for sure.

Funny thing is, there are a lot of different emotions involved. I’m actually quite sad to leave our place. There are annoyances with our condo, but it’s been a good home for us and that’s been the case with just about everywhere we’ve lived. We lived in two different apartments in Albuquerque, four different places in Hawaii, and this will be our fourth place in Utah now. And each one has had its charm, and has led us to new people and new experiences. This move is especially hard because I’ve really enjoyed the neighborhood and the people I’ve met here. Not to say that I’m closing that chapter on everyone. I’m pretty good about staying connected and keeping in touch. But I would have liked to have had more time getting to know everyone here before moving away.

It’s made me realize how a home is so much more than the walls around you. It’s more about the experiences you have in the home, the memories you make. It’s about the people who come into your life, time with friends and family, the neighborhood and how you feel there.

I look back and remember things I loved about each place we lived, certain rooms or a particular layout I liked. We had this apartment in Albuquerque with a stellar patio. It looked out onto the Sandia mountains, which would blaze in the evening sun and turn a beautiful pink. We had a condo in Hawaii with the cutest tropical yard and vaulted ceilings in the living room. We had an apartment in Utah that had the perfect floor plan and such beautiful grounds, with rivers and ponds and lots of plants. We’ve lived in some nice places.

But honestly, one of my favorites was a teeny tiny home in Hawaii, a little one-bedroom unit with all our furniture crammed in there. But it was the best of times, because we had such awesome neighbors that all looked out for each other and we all had fun together, with all of us going to school at the college there. And we had the beach just down the street so that was a huge bonus and added to the laid-back Hawaii feel of our home there. Maybe the home itself wasn’t so great, but we loved our time living there and made amazing memories.

So yes, the home itself is only one part of a much larger equation. I feel blessed to have had so many different experiences, to have met so many different people, to have lived in some really nice places, and to have learned a lot along the way.

But all that has made me nervous for this big change, to be living somewhere for a longer period of time. This will be our tenth move in ten years. The nice thing about being so transient is that you can move on from the bad things you don’t like. Maybe you aren’t loving the neighborhood, or the home itself, or you’re having a hard time making friends. No problem! You only have to give it a year before you’re on to the next experience. But this time, I’m feeling seriously nervous about our new place and hoping I will like it there.

I suppose I have a pretty good track record thus far. In fact, the places I didn’t make friends were only that way because I made no effort. The more effort I made, the more success I had, and trust me, I’ve gotten REALLY good at making an effort and having success. Still, you wonder what kind of people you meet and how well you can dig into the community there. Settling down is something completely foreign to me. We’ll see if I can hack it.

And that’s the funny thing. There’s certainly more sense of permanency with buying a home. But I still look at it like a huge unknown. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is completely unpredictable. We may have plans to stay, but we can never know for certain how circumstances may chance, or when. So in many ways, I see this home the same way I saw all the others, another place for our family, another experience. We’ll be making the best of it, like we usually do, and we’ll see how long it lasts. It may be a few years. It may be a good long while. Who knows!

So we do our packing this week and move this weekend and then the beauty of moving in begins. It will be so nice not to have to find nooks and crannies to cram our belongings into. And it will be fun to decorate the boys’ rooms and get ready for this baby. Maybe – just maybe – once we have some painting done and some furnishings bought and a few home projects completed, we’ll have a few weeks to breathe and let it sink in that this baby is coming. I’ve been so busy these past few months, it just hasn’t felt real at all. There’s just too much going on to really think about it. It’d be nice to have some time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for all that, for the birth and the newborn stage. How nice that we’ll at least have a home, have some real space to do my mothering thing. I can’t tell you how especially excited I am for Gavin to have a yard. Yeah!

I’m still keeping busy with a few different art projects, trying to cram in whatever I can before the baby comes. It’s been fun to focus on that and develop my talents. Gosh, there just isn’t enough time in the day, especially for a mom! And I only have one child right now! I could do a whole other blog post on just how overwhelming it is to be a mom and try to juggle it all, try to find balance in all there is to do! It’s a lesson I haven’t quite learned yet, but life will teach it to me, I know!

But I do love being a mom, especially to this amazing little boy I have. I am in constant awe of how adorable he is, how smart he is, how fun he is, and how loving and nurturing he is. And I'm loving the phase he's in right now, where his communication is advancing and he's getting a little easier to talk to and reason with, and saying and doing some of the cutest things.

Lately, he's been getting so good at memorizing songs and singing along and we just love it, especially when he's dancing too. We had a playlist going this evening while we were packing some boxes, and he was cracking us up with how well he was singing along with some of the songs. He's definitely paying close attention, way more than we thought he was. I swear he's going to be smarter than me by the time he's 10 years old.

And I love how affectionate he's become. He loves to hug his parents and to show his love to little babies and other kids. I see him love his bear, care for it and kiss it like a baby. He's going to be the sweetest big brother with that big heart of his. How have I been so blessed?

I'll leave you with some pictures of our new home in West Jordan. That's where I'll be blogging from next. Woohoo!

Front porch

Walking in the door, here is the front room.

Another view of the front room, looking at the front door.

Into the formal dining room.

And then into the kitchen.

Which connects to the breakfast nook and looks down into the living room.

The living room!

There's a little bathroom off the living room.

And the laundry room too.

Down to the basement living area.

And the basement bathroom, which connects two bedrooms.

Basement bedroom #1.

Basement bedroom #2.

Going upstairs now. Looking down from the upstairs hallway to the kitchen and front room.

Master bedroom upstairs.

With master bathroom.

And a walk-in closet.

Down the hall is the kids' bathroom.

And upstairs bedroom #1.

And upstairs bedroom #2.

Going outside to see the deck and hot tub.

More views of the deck, with access to both the breakfast nook or the living room.

And there's our home! :)