It's truly amazing how fiercely that baby grows and develops, especially in the first two months. What starts out as a spec of dust will form into a miniature baby with arms, legs, hands, feet, eyes and nose all by the tenth week of pregnancy. So many of its precious parts are already formed by then and the baby will spend the next thirty weeks just growing in size, with some refinement of course.
It's such a rapid pace, I feel like you could just sit and watch it happen. It's like waking up to those mushrooms on your lawn that weren't there yesterday! How did this happen!?
I had my first ultrasound at six weeks pregnant. At that time, the little baby was just a quarter inch long. Here I am just a week and half later, and that baby has doubled in length, just over half an inch now! Can you imagine doubling in size in just one week!? Some of us might with Thanksgiving around the corner, haha! Drink up that egg nog, that'll do the trick!
That's when I'll hit ten weeks - Thanksgiving. That's when this little life will become a recognizable tiny baby. Can you believe that tadpole in the picture above is going to turn into THIS in just three weeks!?
It feels like it's happening quickly. And I still have that disbelief in all of it. This was too simple, too easy, so I'm kind of waiting for the catch. I remind myself that most pregnancies are successful, and most babies are born healthy. So my chances are actually pretty good, even considering my history. And I have a lot of hope in that. I really do.
But I do keep my distance from it. I've been conditioned to build this wall around myself, and it is one sturdy wall. It keeps me outside of all the emotions involved, the fears and the hopes. I can see them but I don't feel them. And I don't think much of it. I try to be calm and live life normally, which I figure is the best thing to do for my baby anyway.
The only downside is I don't feel as much excitement as I'd like to, nor do I feel particularly connected to this baby. I often have to remind myself that I'm pregnant because it all feels so unreal, like a myth you've been told is actually true. There actually was a magic wardrobe and these kids became kings and queens on the other side, in another dimension with centaurs and talking animals! Wow, that is very cool, but still feels totally unreal. Gimme a minute to try and process that.
I remain free of pregnancy symptoms, besides the occasional cramping and my stupid bras not fitting, so that makes it unreal as well because I feel no different. It's so easy to go about my day and forget all about my pregnancy, which is a blessing in its own way. With Gavin, I had a whole lot of spotting in the beginning. I would go to the bathroom and see that dreaded red and always wonder if things were working out or not. I have none of that this time around and I'm very glad. I started having nausea at eight weeks with Gavin so we'll see if I'm singing the same song a week from now.
But I do wish I was able to conceive of this baby inside of me, no pun intended. I've even tried to lie down and put my hands on my stomach and feel the life there. But there's no connection yet. And maybe that's normal.
I have a few theories though. I wonder if it's my own fear of loss. Maybe it's too early and my heart is making sure that I don't get too invested yet. There's that darn wall again, my blessing and my curse.
I also wonder if this baby is here to bring me peace and make things easy, especially since everything has gone so smoothly. That would be a lovely yin-yang situation for my children. Gavin is very active, strong-willed, and independent and I appreciate all those things about him. I'd love to have a peaceful, calm, and snuggly child as an opposite to him and perhaps that's what's cooking. I figure Gavin looks like Nick and acts like me. Perhaps we'll have a girl who looks like me and acts like Nick. Can you imagine us switching personalities? Interesting, isn't it. So, maybe I don't feel this baby because she's doesn't have all the zest and intensity that Gavin does. Gavin is the rushing river and she is the tranquil tree.
Wishful thinking, I know. Maybe this baby will be the crankiest kid I've ever met and I'll be laughing my head off at this post someday.
I read a near-death experience where a woman saw how the spirits could choose when they entered their physical body. Some were so anxious, they came right away, at the moment of conception. Others would wait a while longer. So I wonder whether there isn't a spirit in there yet. There's no connection yet because my child isn't there. I don't remember a specific moment when I felt Gavin's spirit, but I do know I reached a point where I felt a surety that he was there. And perhaps I could feel his zest even then because it was after that point that I felt complete confidence in him, that this was a strong life force that was determined to get here. Going into the ER, having my lungs fill with fluid, and all that pre-eclampsia stuff never scared me. I knew this kid was going to fight his way into this world and he sure did, with flying colors!
We're also kind of in limbo right now. If this child comes into our family, then this apartment won't work too well for us anymore. Moving on to a three bedroom place, it'd make more sense to buy a home at that point and we're very anxious to do that. But I have no clue when that will happen since we decided to wait and buy a home when my husband finds a new job.
About a year ago, he finished his master degree and got certified doing information security. He's been trying to break into that field and we've been on the job search all this year. We've had good leads and some offers but nothing was right. So we're hoping for something to happen in the next few months so that we can get cracking on the house thing and start building up our home and family. We can find a home near his new workplace and get established, which will be a long-awaited step for us.
So, right now, I don't feel very ready for a second child and that may be inhibiting my excitement as well. We don't have the room and we're chipping away at this job search with no assurances that'll work out anytime soon. It'll be nice to feel more ready to be a mother of two.
My first job, of course, is to find an obstetrician and I spent a whole week looking for one. I did so much research and read so many reviews and talked to a few different people. I figure that having a baby is the most magical experience so you better make sure you like the people involved in the process. And I know first-hand how different your experience can be between doctors. My fertility doctor in Hawaii seemed to forget who I was and paid very little attention to my case. He didn't like my questions and seemed irritated if I took too much of his time. My fertility doctor here in Utah is the complete opposite. He asks about Gavin, loves my questions, and I never have to remind him of my medical history. That kind of attentiveness is very special and makes for a much more welcoming and calming experience.
That's what I'm looking for in my obstetrician. Unfortunately, I know exactly who I want, but she's a doctor at my own clinic and they won't let you switch doctors. She was the doctor on-call when I went in to deliver Gavin and I got such a great vibe from her. I was really hoping she would deliver him but my own doctor came just in time. My own doctor was fine, just a little too business-like for my taste. I'm hoping for someone a little warmer, a little more interested in me and my case.
But I do love the hospital where I had Gavin and there's another clinic there with a different set of doctors. So I did all my research and finally decided on a doctor. I feel very hopeful about him, especially with the reviews I read and the awards he's received. My friend delivered with him and said such great things about him. I'll be seeing him December 2nd, when I'm 11 weeks along.
In the meantime, my doctor at the fertility clinic had told me I could come in for another ultrasound if I wasn't able to get in sooner with an OB. So I set up for us to come in on November 11th, when I'm 8 weeks along. It's Nick's birthday that day, so it better be a good ultrasound!
Thank you again for all your prayers and support and for listening here on my blog. Look for another post this week when I reach my 8 week ultrasound. We'll see if the nausea hits me!
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