A Brother for Gavin

No better time to blog than at 1:30 in the morning, right?

It’s my own fault. Earlier this evening, we were out having dinner with friends. Well, I couldn’t help it. I felt myself needing a little something to drink besides water. So what do I order? A Dr. Pepper.

And here I am paying for it.

I’ve never been much of a soda drinker or a caffeine guzzler. I know plenty of people who don’t go a day without their pop / caffeine fix and it’s never something I wanted to get into the habit of doing. Pouring all kinds of chemicals into your body doesn’t seem like too great of an addiction anyway. But I do enjoy a soda when I go out and I’ve found myself paying for it more and more lately. Should have stuck with water, I guess!

But enough about soda! Let’s talk about this active little life inside of me!

We had our gender reveal about two weeks ago, just a few days after Christmas. I found myself wondering about the gender quite a bit, trying to get a feel for a girl or a boy. I started out pretty convinced it was a girl and became more and more convinced when so many people were guessing the same thing. In fact, for a while there, I had NO guesses for a boy at all! Clearly, there were some strong girl vibes emanating from my tummy.

But a few things got me wondering about it, whether we were right or wrong. I was surprised to hear my dad guess it was a boy. He added, “I just have this gut feeling whenever I think about it.” The thing is, my dad also had a gut feeling that I was pregnant in the first place. We’d had lunch together the day before my blood test, and I’d expressed quite a bit of skepticism that I was pregnant at all. I knew I was overdue for a negative anyway. Eventually my embryos wouldn’t stick. When I found out it was positive, my dad told me he wasn’t surprised, that he’d felt I was pregnant at our lunch together and had “had a good feeling about it.”

Since he was right before, I thought maybe my dad’s perceptions were a little more in tune than others’.

Then, when I was at the store picking up some baby wipes, this adorable baby blanket caught my eye, a blanket that was clearly for a BOY. I found this enormous smile spreading across my face and I giggled. “You ARE a boy,” I thought, “and you are just fooling so many people.” Something about that moment, and my sudden smile, made me feel a bit more certain that this baby was quite the trickster and would turn out to be a boy after all.

So I’d convinced myself that it was a boy and went to the ultrasound with my mother, visiting from California, and my husband, anxious to finally have this question answered. There sat my mom with a baby name book in her hand, writing down ideas for girl names, and I was shaking my head telling her she was wasting her time.

Sure enough, once we started moving the scanner down toward the baby’s nether regions, I kept seeing something flashing between the legs. Uh huh. Mm hmm. Again and again, this little something was popping and I was feeling more and more convinced that we had ourselves a little boy. My mom wasn’t seeing anything and declared it a girl, but I knew. We finally got the money shot and there was no doubt about it. Gavin was getting a little brother.

Here’s the video on youtube. If you can get it big enough, you can see him sucking his thumb the whole time, which I thought was pretty darn cute.

Now I’ll insert some honesty here. I was secretly hoping to be wrong about the gender. For a multitude of reasons, having a girl is very important to me. Not only have I been denied much girl connection for my entire life, but I have a very good relationship with my mom and I know that relationship stands out in comparison with my brothers. Not many boys grow up and keep in good touch with their mothers, but girls do and it’s something I hope to have someday with my daughters, a little “thank you for raising me” token by having a lifelong friendship and connection.

So I was just hoping for a girl so I could have this guarantee of getting a shot at that.

But I’ve found myself more and more okay - even happy and excited - to know that the boys will have each other. I know some brothers don’t get along, but I think there’s a good chance the two of them will become good friends, and that makes me very happy.

And I think Gavin will be a good big brother. He is really so cute with babies, actually. I think he can sense how precious they are. He goes up to a baby wanting to hug it, lean his head in, and be near the baby. He wants to touch the baby, especially the face, and will say “soft” because he knows he needs to be soft with the babies. And this smile will envelope his whole being, like he cannot even contain his excitement for the baby and how wonderful it is. It makes me hopeful for their relationship as brothers, though I’m sure it’ll be an adjustment once the spotlight starts shifting away from Gavin.

I think about that eventuality, of dividing my attention between toddler and infant, and it overwhelms me a little. Funny thing is, I couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome, to have my fertility process work out and to have the boys a good distance in age. But I know it’ll be a little rough at first, since Gavin will still be very young and still need much of my attention and care, not to mention his inability to understand much about being a brother and the need for mom to care for this small creature that has suddenly invaded the family. I think the first year may be a little difficult and then become perfectly splendid as the boys can really play together. That’ll be a fun time, I think.

I’m in continual awe of how easy this has been, not only in having in vitro work out but in having such an incredibly smooth pregnancy. Each week, I enjoy reading about the progress my baby is making and read of the symptoms I may expect. Frankly, it makes me shake my head to see just how much women go through, not only to carry and deliver a child, but in all the changes her body goes through in the process. We’re talking some serious expansion and retraction of all kinds of things and it blows my mind. And our bodies just do it, initiate and cope with all that change. Sheesh. High five, women. Seriously. We are awesome.

I read about all these symptoms and feel so lucky that I have none of them. The list goes on and on – headaches, constipation, heart burn, dry eyes, nausea – holy cow, how does a woman survive being pregnant!? The only symptom I’ve had is a whole lot of that expansion I mentioned earlier, though that’s in large part due to my holiday eating. I’ll be happy when I start looking pregnant and not just fat.

My next ultrasound is in two weeks, on February 2^nd, and I will be halfway done at that point, 20 weeks along. That zipped by quickly, especially with everything going so smoothly.

Unfortunately, I’ve been really struggling about my choice of doctor and have debated about what I should do. I know I’m being very particular, but I’ve had such a difficult time with getting pregnant that I find myself really hoping for an extraordinary pregnancy and birthing experience. A lot of that hinges on your relationship with your doctor and I find myself a little unsatisfied there. What I’m looking for is someone who’s as ecstatic as I am about this pregnancy, and who makes me feel comfortable with their attention to detail. My fertility doctor is a perfect example of this. He is very kind and caring, with an outstanding bedside manner, and is very interested and excited about me, my particular case, and my progress. I can tell him about my history and he will remember it on our next visit, and any visits thereafter. I can talk to him about Gavin, or about my progress with fertility, and he will smile and be genuinely excited about it. That’s what I need, someone who can be excited WITH me and take good care of me because they work hard to really know ME and my case.

And a woman would be nice, simply because I think it’s a little easier to have that kind of a connection between women, and I feel a little more entrusting of someone who actually knows what it is to have these parts!

I had a woman doctor with Gavin. She was fine but she did a few things I wasn’t too happy with, all during delivery. They told me she would hold Gavin up when I delivered him, so I could at least see him before he was whisked away to the NICU. But that didn’t happen. I saw his foot pop up between my legs, heard a little cry, and then he was gone. I didn’t even get a glimpse of his face and I was so bummed by that. That could have been a special moment for me and it didn’t happen.

There was also, at one point while pushing him out, a moment when she very suddenly left without a word. The nurse called after her, “Should she keep pushing?” but there was no reply. Granted, she was probably whisked away for something rather dire or there wouldn’t be that kind of urgency. Still, it seemed a little abrupt to not even say, “I’ll be right back,” or “Keep having her push,” or any such phrase that would have taken two seconds and given me a little reassurance while literally in the middle of delivering my baby!

After I delivered Gavin, she started pressing very firmly all over my abdomen, which was absolutely excruciating. I have no idea how long this went on because I was in a whole different state of exhaustion and pain, but it felt like a good fifteen minutes, during which she said nothing to me at all. Two things were wrong with this. First, a little communication would have been nice. “We need to get this placenta out and I’m going to be working on your abdomen to help it out. It’s not going to be pleasant, I’m sorry.” Something! Maybe some words of encouragement while I’m groaning in pain, because I WAS, very audibly, expressing my un-enjoyment of this seemingly never-ending massage of death. Secondly, when the doctor did finally tell me what she was doing and that it wasn’t working and that they’d have to manually go in and get my placenta out, much to my absolute horror, it was only then that she recommended we do anything about the pain. Could that not have been offered to me earlier, perhaps during all my frustrations and protestations to this body pounding?

So, yes, I have considered going back to her only because she is a woman AND because the office staff is much friendlier there. But those memories flare up in my mind and I don’t feel much more trust or rapport there than I do with my new doctor. Not only that, but I’m not too sure they take my new insurance anyway. In fact, I looked up doctors on my insurance website and researched every woman obstetrician in the area, hoping I would find some gem I hadn’t seen before. But every doctor I saw had either bad reviews, mixed reviews, or was just too far away. I did find one good doctor just down the road who had great reviews and a cute little video online about how much she loves what she does and how she loves the miracle of life and how it never gets old, how she loves to see mom’s and dad’s reaction to their newborn. But, of course, she just moved to St. George! Darn it all, that’s just my luck!

So I may just have to settle for a satisfactory experience after all. Or maybe somehow, something will change that will make it extraordinary. I’m trying to be hopeful and positive. Whatever happens, I’m just hoping for things to continue to go smoothly so I can make it all the way this time, deliver a healthy baby, and be able to cuddle him straight from the womb!

In the meantime, I’m enjoying this new phase where the baby is big enough to feel his little movements. I felt his taps this week and enjoyed the heck out of it. It comes and goes but I’m excited to reach this new point and look forward to feeling him move around more and more. 

I also was able to hear his heartbeat on my Doppler for the first time. It’s pretty hard to catch, probably because he’s still fairly small and doing a lot of squirming around in there. But even if I get it for just a few seconds, it’s a sound that brings me such joy.

I’m starting to really fall for this guy, my little kicker in there. I’m getting excited to meet him, to see what he looks like, and discover his personality. 

Wrapping Up the First Trimester

I’m thirteen weeks along now and am just about done with my first trimester. I think back on those first few weeks and how much more nervous I felt at that time. Getting to the first few milestones is a nail-biting experience – the rising HCG levels, the heartbeat, and seeing the baby form and grow normally. It’s nice to have that behind me.

It’s a wonderful contrast to my past experience with in vitro. I feel like this is the closest I’ll ever come to feeling pregnant like a fertile woman would, without all the doubt and fear and heartache, and I’m so grateful for that. I’m happy to skip all the pain, but I find it’s easy to forget about the miracle inside of me when everything is going so smoothly, when I’m not on the edge of my seat waiting for tragedy. I understand how women can take for granted the miracle of conception and pregnancy when there’s no worry and everything is sailing along smoothly. At least for me, I know I’m a lot less obsessive than I was with my first child.

It’s actually made me reflect on my experiences, the contrast between the two. I met a woman once who’d battled with infertility and then had a baby of her own. She told me she was happy for the experience and the gratitude it gave her for her child, that she wouldn’t trade that for anything. That sounded a little nuts to me! Who the heck is happy for pain? I figure we’re all grateful for our children, whether we had the pain or not. But having these two contrasting experiences – the one so difficult, the other so easy - does open to my eyes to how a struggle can make the prize that much sweeter. I look back on my experiences with Gavin and remember all the pain and anguish we experienced in getting him here, the waiting and wondering and doubt. Then we had our baby boy! Oh, the magic and wonder! Suddenly, we had a whole new set of emotions – love, awe, joy, peace, and gratitude – and we felt those emotions just as intensely as we’d felt the pain, the struggle, the fear, and everything else.

I think on this pregnancy now, and I feel certain that if this had been my journey from the beginning, if I’d have skipped all the hurt and anguish, I would have missed out on the beauty I experienced in having my son and the incredibly tender feelings of love and gratitude I have in being a mother. It’s hard to remember the pain and genuinely feel grateful for that, but I do feel blessed for my experiences and where they’ve led me. It reminds me of a scripture that a friend shared with me when I was pregnant with Gavin: Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.  (Prov. 13:12)

Let me tell you, we had our tree of life. Heck, I think we had the whole Amazon rainforest!

Of course, it does help that Gavin is such a wonderful kid. He was a relatively easy baby, always happy and calm, and has become a VERY smart, fun-loving, adorable toddler. I love to see him dance, to see him laugh and be silly, to hear him read his books and see him line up his cars all in a row, to hear him talk about Jesus. My favorite moments are to snuggle with him in his rocking chair and sing him songs and know that he’s loving me and I’m loving him. If I stop singing, he says, “Songs,” because he wants me to keep singing. When I ask him if he wants to go in his bed, he says, “Snuggle” because he wants us to keep holding on to each other until he falls asleep. In those tender moments, I often think of all the life he has ahead of him and how I get to be a part of it. I imagine him as at seven years old, twelve years old, seventeen, and wonder what he will be like and what his hobbies will be. Then I see him getting married and loving another woman and remember how precious these moments are, this special time with my little boy, and I suck up every minute.

So much love and so much gratitude.

It’s wonderful to know that those feelings are ahead – more love, more gratitude, more wonder – for another child. At this point, I’m feeling calm about the pregnancy, about our future with this baby, and I’m happy to have my fetal Doppler so I can keep tabs on the baby and back up my confidence. I will always be aware of the bad things that can happen, always be aware of that chance, but it doesn’t overwhelm me with feelings of worry.  At this point, I have about a 99% chance of success and I really can’t hope for better odds than that. That’s better odds than I’ve ever had in this whole process and I’m very grateful.

Still, it doesn’t quite feel real yet and it’s hard to get excited. I have my next ultrasound in ten days, on December 28^th, and we may find out the gender then. That may help it feel more real, as it did with Gavin. If not, then perhaps a baby bump would help, or the turning of the seasons. It’s hard to get excited about a summer baby when there’s snow on the ground and Christmas is around the corner. It feels like such a long ways away!

It seriously feels like you’re pregnant forever! Here I am finishing up my first trimester and yet I look at the months and months ahead and wonder how in the world I’m already one-third of the way through. But then I think about how fiercely that baby is growing inside of me and realize just how quickly we’re moving along. The baby is essentially growing about one half an inch each week, which is crazy! Your hair grows one half an inch each MONTH, to put things in perspective. That is some intense growing going on for baby.

The other amazing thing is that the baby is essentially fully formed at this point. It spends those first two months making all those systems and organs and turning into a tiny baby, then spends the second and third trimester just growing, with some fine tuning along the way. Remember my blog on ovaries and eggs and how a woman is born with all her eggs? If I’m having a girl, she already has 2 million eggs inside of her ovaries. CRAZY! How can there be 2 million of ANYTHING inside something so small?

Yet, the baby is really not so small anymore. Right now, it’s measuring at about 3 inches, from head to rump, and will be nearly 4 inches long when we see the baby on ultrasound at 15 weeks. That’s a whopping 2 and half inches longer than when we saw it last, dancing on the ultrasound! Yes, lots and lots of fierce growing and I am amazed at it all.

For now, I’m feeling incredibly blessed to be here with things going so well. Every day that passes is a gift, one step closer to meeting this child, and much much better than the alternative. Gavin and I pray together each day that the baby will keep growing. I make sure to be specific: “Bless this baby brother or baby sister, that he will grow like he should, that I will meet him someday, that he will be part of our family, and we can play together and be friends.” And I always make sure that Gavin adds his “Amen!”

I’m anxious and excited to find out the gender. Gavin loves to hang out with the boys. It makes sense because he is ALL boy, in every way. So it’d be fun for him to have a brother. It runs in the family too. My parents and my siblings had to have their two boys before moving on to the girls. So we’ll see if I keep the streak going. But a girl would be lovely. I think it would be a good way to balance out Gavin a little bit. Not only that, but I have literally been surrounded by boys my entire life. I was the only girl in my family, the only girl my age in my neighborhood, and the only girl my age at church. I even took geeky computer classes in high school with ALL boys. I am definitely ready for some girl power. If I end up having all boys, I’ll throw my hands up in the air and accept my lot in life, haha!

Either way, I won’t lie and say that I’m feeling ready for this baby. The thought of a hyperactive toddler and a newborn sort of terrifies me. I still have six months to go, though. Maybe by then we’ll have a house and more space for this toddler to play in. Maybe by then, Gavin will be out of diapers. Maybe by then, Gavin will be a better listener and a little calmer. Or maybe I should accept that I’m going to be utterly exhausted for the next five years. Guess I better go take a nap while I still can.

Whatever the case, I’m excited for this baby, to discover who he/she is and feel that love all over again, that very special love, that gift from God, the love of a mother.

Dancing Queen (or King?)

So many women feel so very icky during pregnancy. Even though it's one of the most feminine things you can do - grow a baby - it's a time when you feel so very unfeminine. One friend of mine couldn't keep anything down and had to be hospitalized, the poor soul. When you're not busy losing your lunch, you're sleeping like a sloth, eating like a pig, and finally get the reward of looking (and feeling) like a walrus in the end. Heck, then you have the baby and feel like a milking cow! Yes, it's hard to feel like yourself when you’re pregnant. You just feel like one animal or another. If only it was an eagle or a dolphin or a gazelle or something.

I’m one of the lucky ones who has been spared so much of the ickiness and I’m grateful for that. I kept waiting for the nausea to come but it never did. There were a few moments, brief and mild, and that was it. If this is an easy pregnancy, I’ll take it.

Still, it’s hard not to worry when the symptoms aren’t there and these three weeks went by a little too quietly for my tastes. Even though I don’t enjoy nausea, or the smell of a toilet bowl, it’s comforting to feel like you’re a full-blown pregnant woman. So I actually celebrated any little bouts of nausea that I had and was hoping for more.

Just yesterday, I got my fetal Doppler from my friend and took it home looking for some reassurance, even though I know it’s a little early to be hearing anything. I wasn’t able to hear a heartbeat, but I thought I heard some movement and that gave me hope.

Perhaps those little movements helped me to feel as calm and confident as I did today, going in to meet my new doctor and check on the baby. It’s a good thing I was so calm because the wait was awful. It took an hour for them to call me back, then another fifteen minutes before the doctor came to my room. That would have been an excruciating wait if I’d have been worried about the baby!

The doctor came in and talked with me about my history. We talked about my pregnancy with Gavin, how my lungs had filled up with fluid, how my delivery was so sudden, and how my stubborn placenta didn’t want to come out. Yeah, there was nothing noteworthy about that pregnancy!

After our little meet and greet, we went in to do the ultrasound. Up popped a beautiful looking baby, now 11 weeks along and about an inch and half long. It’s amazing to me how well-defined everything is, the arms and legs and the face, even the fingers and toes! That’s right. In just two months, we go from this to this.

What I loved was how relaxed the baby looked, like it had its leg up resting on the wall, taking a little nap. I thought of the baby relaxing on a hammock, enjoying its little home. I guess Baby better enjoy it now before it gets a whole lot more crowded in there!

I enjoyed watching this little siesta inside of me, but I was downright giddy when that baby started doing some water aerobics in there! All of a sudden, Baby starts bouncing around and I got all kinds of views of the arms and legs and even a butt shot. Frankly, I was a little jealous. It looks pretty fun to be that weightless, fluttering around. I always did enjoy that about skin diving and snorkeling, feeling that weightlessness and freedom. Enjoy it, Baby, while you still have the chance.

Click here to the see the video, which is really quite fun.

It still blows my mind that this is happening inside of me. There’s something so odd to me about a living being growing and dancing inside of me and yet I can’t feel it or detect it in any way. I’d think you’d be able to sense that, even with it being so small. Man, our bodies are so amazing and bizarre and mind-boggling and complex. And I’m growing another one inside of me right now.

Mind. Blown.

The doctor told me that my chances of miscarriage are only between one and two percent now. Those are great numbers and do make me feel at ease, as if the dancing baby wasn’t hope enough. I’m set to go back on December 28^th and I’ll be close to 15 weeks at that point. The doctor told me we can usually tell the gender by then, which is a little earlier than I thought. So that’ll be exciting! We’ll find out if Gavin is getting a brother or a sister!

I may not have the nausea, but I am sleeping like a sloth, eating like a pig, and slowly morphing into walrus-mode, one cookie at a time. Since I got none of my usual three naps in today, I’m about ready to hit the hay! Got me some baby to grow!

My Growing Gummy Bear

Growing a baby is exhausting! Here I am making fingers and toes, eyes and nose, lungs and heart, and all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep! My energy level is definitely low. I take more naps than I used to and they tend to last quite a bit longer too.

Of course, my activity level has gone down as well and usually I have more energy the more active I am. I've been too nervous to go to the gym and have terribly missed my boot camp and cycling classes. So I may be more tired because of the low activity level and my carefree diet too. Sugar tends to knock you out and I've said yes much more than no lately.

But I still say this baby has something to do with it!

That being the only symptom, however, makes me feel pretty darn lucky. I keep waiting for the nausea to rear its ugly head but it still hasn't happened. I have had a few brief waves here and there. And I mean very brief, like seconds or minutes. Maybe I haven't eaten for a long time or I got up too fast or I ate too much. I'll think, "Oh there it is," but then it passes and I kind of laugh like, "What was that even?" Since I'm coming up on nine weeks, I'm guessing I may be really lucky with this baby and only have my tiny little waves. (Knock on wood) And that's alright with me!

We had our eight week ultrasound last week, on November 11th. That's Veterans Day and my husband's birthday too so it works out pretty well since he always has his birthday off. I thought it'd be a good day for an ultrasound since he'd already be off work.

I've been feeling so calm about this pregnancy and I felt that calm when going to the ultrasound. I wish I could trust that a little bit more but experience has taught me that feelings can fool you. So I tried to keep my hope in check as we went in to our appointment, just in case. I was just praying for a good experience so we didn't have to ruin the day and make a bad memory.

But we didn't ruin it. It was actually quite a fun addition to my husband's special day!

The image came up on the screen and the first thing I see is a wiry cord. When you're expecting to see a jellybean in there and see a snake instead, it can be a little confusing and worrisome. Was that the baby and it had fallen apart? Thankfully, the doctor quickly cleared things up and was quite amazed at how well we could see my umbilical cord! Oh. That makes sense. Phew!

I don't know that I'd ever seen an umbilical cord so clearly before. We took a good look at it and he pointed out the blood flowing inside of the cord. Wow! I had no idea you'd be able to see that! It was such a neat thing to actually see the life flowing between us. It still feels completely unreal but it was a very cool image and a cool thought anyway.

So the cord is all fine and well, but where's the baby?

Ah, there it is. We finally got a decent look at our little one, who is about the size of a cinnamon bear, and could see the heartbeat too. Makes sense since we saw the blood flowing through the cord! And the baby was measuring right on target, to the day. This is the most cooperative and easy-going baby ever, and I bet this baby will be like that growing up too. Hey, I can dream, right?

The doctor had said that at this stage, the baby should look like a little skateboard with wheels. You look down at the top of the skateboard (the body) and see the wheels poking out of the sides (the arms and legs). I thought that was a funny analogy and very cute. We searched for the little wheels and eventually found them, my little baby nubbins. Click here for the full ultrasound video.

I was curious about the heartbeat, to see if it would be the same as before at 119. But it had shot up to 178! That seemed kind of fast to me but I did some reading on it and that's right on target. The beat tends to start out slower, then get faster around this time, and then level out closer to 120 - 140 once you reach a certain point. That put my mind at ease. Once again, baby is doing everything right.

It was definitely a good day for us. Having served in the military, Nick can access free stuff on Veteran's Day and that sure works out well for his birthday. He had a free pancake breakfast at IHOP, we spent our afternoon at the aquarium for free, then we ended with a free pizza at California Pizza Kitchen.

All the while, I was feeling so blessed and amazed at how this has worked out for us. I'm still reeling from the fact that we were successful on our first try. I had all my riot gear on and was ready to walk through that battlefield, whatever it took. Instead of a battle, I've just been having a lovely stroll. Never saw that coming!

We have our next ultrasound on December 2nd when I'm 11 weeks along. I still feel like we're not quite out of the clear yet and I suppose you never are until you hold that baby in your arms. I'm on that lovely stroll but I've still got a lot of walking to do til I reach my destination! Your first trimester presents the biggest hill in your journey though and I think I'll be a lot more excited when I reach the top of that hill.

It's going to be an exciting Christmas for us.

My Easy-Going Rapidly Growing Baby

I'm seven and a half weeks pregnant right now and my little tadpole is quickly forming into a tiny person.

It's truly amazing how fiercely that baby grows and develops, especially in the first two months. What starts out as a spec of dust will form into a miniature baby with arms, legs, hands, feet, eyes and nose all by the tenth week of pregnancy. So many of its precious parts are already formed by then and the baby will spend the next thirty weeks just growing in size, with some refinement of course.

It's such a rapid pace, I feel like you could just sit and watch it happen. It's like waking up to those mushrooms on your lawn that weren't there yesterday! How did this happen!?

I had my first ultrasound at six weeks pregnant. At that time, the little baby was just a quarter inch long. Here I am just a week and half later, and that baby has doubled in length, just over half an inch now! Can you imagine doubling in size in just one week!? Some of us might with Thanksgiving around the corner, haha! Drink up that egg nog, that'll do the trick!

That's when I'll hit ten weeks - Thanksgiving. That's when this little life will become a recognizable tiny baby. Can you believe that tadpole in the picture above is going to turn into THIS in just three weeks!?

It feels like it's happening quickly. And I still have that disbelief in all of it. This was too simple, too easy, so I'm kind of waiting for the catch. I remind myself that most pregnancies are successful, and most babies are born healthy. So my chances are actually pretty good, even considering my history. And I have a lot of hope in that. I really do.

But I do keep my distance from it. I've been conditioned to build this wall around myself, and it is one sturdy wall. It keeps me outside of all the emotions involved, the fears and the hopes. I can see them but I don't feel them. And I don't think much of it. I try to be calm and live life normally, which I figure is the best thing to do for my baby anyway.

The only downside is I don't feel as much excitement as I'd like to, nor do I feel particularly connected to this baby. I often have to remind myself that I'm pregnant because it all feels so unreal, like a myth you've been told is actually true. There actually was a magic wardrobe and these kids became kings and queens on the other side, in another dimension with centaurs and talking animals! Wow, that is very cool, but still feels totally unreal. Gimme a minute to try and process that.

I remain free of pregnancy symptoms, besides the occasional cramping and my stupid bras not fitting, so that makes it unreal as well because I feel no different. It's so easy to go about my day and forget all about my pregnancy, which is a blessing in its own way. With Gavin, I had a whole lot of spotting in the beginning. I would go to the bathroom and see that dreaded red and always wonder if things were working out or not. I have none of that this time around and I'm very glad. I started having nausea at eight weeks with Gavin so we'll see if I'm singing the same song a week from now.

But I do wish I was able to conceive of this baby inside of me, no pun intended. I've even tried to lie down and put my hands on my stomach and feel the life there. But there's no connection yet. And maybe that's normal.

I have a few theories though. I wonder if it's my own fear of loss. Maybe it's too early and my heart is making sure that I don't get too invested yet. There's that darn wall again, my blessing and my curse.

I also wonder if this baby is here to bring me peace and make things easy, especially since everything has gone so smoothly. That would be a lovely yin-yang situation for my children. Gavin is very active, strong-willed, and independent and I appreciate all those things about him. I'd love to have a peaceful, calm, and snuggly child as an opposite to him and perhaps that's what's cooking. I figure Gavin looks like Nick and acts like me. Perhaps we'll have a girl who looks like me and acts like Nick. Can you imagine us switching personalities? Interesting, isn't it. So, maybe I don't feel this baby because she's doesn't have all the zest and intensity that Gavin does. Gavin is the rushing river and she is the tranquil tree.

Wishful thinking, I know. Maybe this baby will be the crankiest kid I've ever met and I'll be laughing my head off at this post someday.

I read a near-death experience where a woman saw how the spirits could choose when they entered their physical body. Some were so anxious, they came right away, at the moment of conception. Others would wait a while longer. So I wonder whether there isn't a spirit in there yet. There's no connection yet because my child isn't there. I don't remember a specific moment when I felt Gavin's spirit, but I do know I reached a point where I felt a surety that he was there. And perhaps I could feel his zest even then because it was after that point that I felt complete confidence in him, that this was a strong life force that was determined to get here. Going into the ER, having my lungs fill with fluid, and all that pre-eclampsia stuff never scared me. I knew this kid was going to fight his way into this world and he sure did, with flying colors!

We're also kind of in limbo right now. If this child comes into our family, then this apartment won't work too well for us anymore. Moving on to a three bedroom place, it'd make more sense to buy a home at that point and we're very anxious to do that. But I have no clue when that will happen since we decided to wait and buy a home when my husband finds a new job.

About a year ago, he finished his master degree and got certified doing information security. He's been trying to break into that field and we've been on the job search all this year. We've had good leads and some offers but nothing was right. So we're hoping for something to happen in the next few months so that we can get cracking on the house thing and start building up our home and family. We can find a home near his new workplace and get established, which will be a long-awaited step for us.

So, right now, I don't feel very ready for a second child and that may be inhibiting my excitement as well. We don't have the room and we're chipping away at this job search with no assurances that'll work out anytime soon. It'll be nice to feel more ready to be a mother of two.

My first job, of course, is to find an obstetrician and I spent a whole week looking for one. I did so much research and read so many reviews and talked to a few different people. I figure that having a baby is the most magical experience so you better make sure you like the people involved in the process. And I know first-hand how different your experience can be between doctors. My fertility doctor in Hawaii seemed to forget who I was and paid very little attention to my case. He didn't like my questions and seemed irritated if I took too much of his time. My fertility doctor here in Utah is the complete opposite. He asks about Gavin, loves my questions, and I never have to remind him of my medical history. That kind of attentiveness is very special and makes for a much more welcoming and calming experience.

That's what I'm looking for in my obstetrician. Unfortunately, I know exactly who I want, but she's a doctor at my own clinic and they won't let you switch doctors. She was the doctor on-call when I went in to deliver Gavin and I got such a great vibe from her. I was really hoping she would deliver him but my own doctor came just in time. My own doctor was fine, just a little too business-like for my taste. I'm hoping for someone a little warmer, a little more interested in me and my case.

But I do love the hospital where I had Gavin and there's another clinic there with a different set of doctors. So I did all my research and finally decided on a doctor. I feel very hopeful about him, especially with the reviews I read and the awards he's received. My friend delivered with him and said such great things about him. I'll be seeing him December 2nd, when I'm 11 weeks along.

In the meantime, my doctor at the fertility clinic had told me I could come in for another ultrasound if I wasn't able to get in sooner with an OB. So I set up for us to come in on November 11th, when I'm 8 weeks along. It's Nick's birthday that day, so it better be a good ultrasound!

Thank you again for all your prayers and support and for listening here on my blog. Look for another post this week when I reach my 8 week ultrasound. We'll see if the nausea hits me!

This is My Heartbeat Song!

WE MADE IT!

We made it to the first ultrasound!

Historically, this is the rockiest period for me. I've had three miscarriages and all three of them happened in these first few weeks, before our first ultrasound. We never even saw a heartbeat.

So, when finding out about my pregnancy and my rising levels, I felt like we were starting down that rocky road, the shakiest part of this whole thing. Would I make it through these first few weeks?

Fortunately, I've been completely swamped with a bunch of different projects and haven't had much time to obsess over it. I've also had no pregnancy symptoms - no cramping, no spotting, no nausea - so I tend to forget that I'm even pregnant! I was kind of wishing I had some sign, some sort of symptom. That way I could feel like things were happening, make it feel more real. Or even to have some sort of special feeling, to feel different somehow. But I didn't.

On the one hand, it was nice to have things going so smoothly. I figured that if things were not going well, I'd know it. If I did have cramping or spotting, then I'd have to worry it was bad cramping and spotting. No news is good news, in this case. At the same time, because I felt nothing, it made me curious if nothing was happening. Maybe I had no special feeling because nothing special was happening! Ugh.

So, it doesn't really matter what happens, I'm always going to worry at this stage.

Still, the worry was minimal and I've actually felt hope more than anything else. I certainly felt a lot of hope and excitement yesterday, knowing I only had one day left. Realizing I'd made it this far, I felt like I'd beaten my way through a huge obstacle. 

'Wow, I'm only 24 hours away from my ultrasound! I could really make it!'

I was excited but then, with only a few hours left, I started to feel really nervous and tried to prepare myself for all the outcomes, good or bad. So I started to pray. I prayed in the hours before my ultrasound. I prayed on my way to the doctor. I prayed while I waited for the doctor. I just pleaded with God that his angels would be with me if I was to walk through that wretched door of disappointment again, that I would have the strength and courage to accept His will. And I shared my hopes that this baby would be strong and healthy. Please, God, please. Let this baby live and be a part of our family.

The time had come. No more waiting. The image came up on the ultrasound screen and we saw...

...a little baby with a little heartbeat.

What a beautiful ten minutes it was. Everything about it was so perfect, so fantastic. The doctor was very excited about the baby and the nurse said it was one of the best images she'd seen this early on. We have a stellar beautiful baby already! It kind of looks like a little seahorse to me, cute and curly.

The baby was measuring exactly on schedule, which was very cool, and the heartbeat was strong! It looked so faint on the screen that I thought we might not be able to hear it. Boy, was I wrong! We heard it loud and proud, beating at 119 beats per minute - perfect and strong! That is THE best sound.

I'd been doing my research and had seen a lot of people online saying they saw a heartbeat already at this stage. That got me really excited, especially since the nurse had told me not to expect it with this first ultrasound. According to everyone else, it sounded like a had about a 50% chance of seeing a heartbeat, if not higher, so I was really hoping for that. I know that getting to the heartbeat stage decreases your chance of miscarrying, which obviously has been true in my case. My doctor said that people with a history of miscarriage still have a 84% chance of success once the baby gets a heartbeat. That's great news.

Click here to see a video of the ultrasound. You can see that baby and hear that heartbeat!

I wish I could say that I'm excited. But relief is much more appropriate. I'm relieved that I didn't have to see things falling apart and deal with the devastation. We've made it past this big milestone and I can rest a little easier.

Right now, I have a strange mix of confidence and worry. I feel confident in this baby. I told Nick that I already feel like a family of four and I really like that feeling. Because things have been going so smoothly, because this baby is giving me so little grief, I feel like this may be a normal happy pregnancy.

But I also feel completely uncomfortable with things being that easy! Normal? Happy? Easy? Where's my heartache? Where's my disappointment? Where's all the grief and struggle? Nothing is ever this easy for me! Everything must be fought for, must be earned with pain and perseverance!

That's where I'm at right now, where having to do this complex and expensive process of in vitro only once is considered EASY. Everyone else runs a lap, and if I only have to run five miles, I'm shrugging my shoulders wondering why I didn't have to run a full marathon!

We still have a long ways to go. I'm not sure when I'll feel enough confidence to drown out the worry. I know I did reach that point with Gavin, I think when we saw him moving all around at about 18 weeks. Something about that ultrasound really changed me, helped me see how active and alive he was and made me feel that this boy was determined to come. I'm anxious to get to that point with this baby, perhaps mid-January or so. Good thing I'll have the holidays to keep me busy!

The doctor told me I had graduated. Once you see a heartbeat, you've moved on and can see a regular obstetrician. Now I need to find someone I really love, probably at the same hospital where I delivered Gavin. Very good memories there, the place I became a mother.

I will keep the blog updated with any news, including ultrasounds. Hopefully, my OB can get me in quick and we can take another look in a few weeks. My fertility doctor told me I could even come and see them again if I wanted to get in sooner and take another look. Hooray for modern technology so I can see my little miracle!

Thanks for reading and thank you for the prayers! Sorry if you were hoping for twins. I was sort of hoping for that, but I'm very happy to be handle just one baby and a hyperactive toddler. Let's keep praying this little baby here so Gavin can have his little sister! Or brother?

First Milestone - Rising Levels

I had my second blood test on Saturday, October 17th. My HCG levels are right where they should be at 148.

Typically, they want to see your levels doubling every 48 hours. Since my levels started at 75 on Thursday, I was hoping for them to be 150 or more on Saturday. So we are right on target.

I find it hard to pinpoint exactly how I'm feeling right now.  I think about my due date - June 22nd - and that feels an awful long ways away. I have to make it across all those months and cross a mine field to get there, or so it feels anyway. My history with pregnancies isn't the best and that makes this feel a little shaky. It's like we've set up a house of cards and are holding our breath to see if it stands. And we know how fragile it is, how easily it can topple.

Because of that, there's definitely some nervousness and hesitation. I think about those coming months and just wonder where I'll be, whether we'll still be here in a place of hope or somewhere else entirely. How's my Thanksgiving going to be? My Christmas? My Easter? It's pretty nerve-wracking.

Then again, I've been here so many times that I've gotten pretty good at keeping myself distant and calm. There's some worry, yes. Even some dread at times. But there's hope too. In fact, I find it a lot easier to hope this time around. With all my other pregnancies, I couldn't imagine myself getting to the finish line, couldn't see myself with a pregnant belly or holding a new baby in my arms. Having been down that road, it's easier to envision a positive outcome this time. It's hazy and seems so far away, but I know it could be a reality and not just fantasy.

It's really such a weird and amazing feeling to think of what's happening inside of me. I'm in total awe of the process, and that we all went through it. I look at my hands, my feet, my eyes, and I think of how it all started like this, with a few small cells. Here's a quick little youtube video where you can see these first few stages of growth. Right now, I'm just getting those two sides fused together, the foundations of the spinal cord and the two hemispheres of the brain.

There's still such a long way to go! C'mon, Baby!

I have my first ultrasound on October 29th. We should be able to see the gestational sac at that point, measure it and make sure we're on schedule, and check to see how many are in there. Apparently, my husband is rooting for twins. Seems like I have quite a few people wishing multiples on me. A two-for-one deal would be great, for sure. But it'd scare me to death to take care of two newborns on top of a hyperactive toddler! So there's a part of me that wants twins, but I'd be very happy with one and that's what I'm expecting. I think my levels would be higher if there were twins and I have my doubts about that oblong embryo we put in. I guess we'll see what happens.

We won't be able to see a heartbeat yet, but we should be able to just a week after that, about a week after Halloween. I pray that things continue on, that this baby is strong and can develop as it should. Let's get to that heartbeat stage!

Fertility Wars: A New Hope

Thank you all so much. Thank you for your prayers, for your good thoughts, well wishes, and high hopes. Thank you for being here on this journey with me, for taking the time to read my blog. I know there are a lot of silent supporters out there and I'm happy to know that people are listening to my story and rooting for me.

I know it's a joyous and triumphant moment when you see a happy outcome from all your praying and hoping - when your niece fights her way through a terrible illness, when your brother gets that job he needed so badly, and when your infertile friend finally gets pregnant. So I want you all to know that your prayers are answered and you can feel joyous. Because I AM that infertile friend and I AM pregnant!

This is a surprise to you, I'm sure, since my test is scheduled for Saturday. Well, here's the story.

After my embryo transfer, I felt pretty calm about the two week wait. As I said in my previous posts, I had no expectation - meaning that I was expecting a negative - so I wasn't getting worked up about the results. But, as the days went by and I got closer and closer to my test date, I got more and more nervous about the outcome. It wasn't so much the results but the waiting itself that was driving me nuts. Whatever the results, I just wanted to know so I could move on and stop worrying about it!

More often than not, when my mind would go wandering, I would get a sinking feeling and a sense of dread. Sometimes it would hit me with no rhyme or reason, and I'd feel this fear of being let down, a fear of the unknown. Other times, there was a narrative going on in my head, all my pessimism spelling itself out:

Well, I put those two embryos in when they were only three days old. They still had another four days before they were ready to hatch and implant. So many of my other embryos bummed out during that time so I don't feel too hopeful about the ones inside of me either. For all I know, both those embryos tuckered out long ago and I've got myself an empty uterus. Statistics show that there's a lower success rate with 3-day embryos anyway so I shouldn't get my hopes up. And who would be lucky enough to get pregnant five times in a row with in vitro? Eventually, I'm going to have to pay my dues and get a negative result.

My anxiety was highest at night, when I would dream about getting my results back. Tuesday night, I had a dream that the clinic called me and told me that my results were negative. I was in and out of dreams that night, feeling that dread, that surety that things were going to go badly. The next night, I had a dream that Nick was telling me about his own dream! And that, in his dream, the results had been negative. I was obviously dreading my results and not feeling too hopeful!

And then there were moments where I would feel some hope. It'd be little things - something someone said, or something I would see, or a little thought that would pop into my head. I think I felt the most hope when I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and telling her about my overwhelming dread. I told her that I was going to be really surprised if I got a positive pregnancy test. And she quickly replied, "Then prepare to be surprised." Something about her confidence made me wonder, made me feel a tickle of hope in my heart, made me think that maybe all the faith and prayers of everyone else would get this baby here.

Then I was texting a friend before bed, making plans to get together the next day. Her last text to me was, "Going to bed. Saying a prayer for you." It made me wonder how many people are praying for me, people that I don't even know about besides obvious family members. And yesterday, I had another friend tell me that her family had fasted for me over the weekend and that they were thinking about me a lot. Again, I had to wonder how many prayers were being said for me, how many people are thinking of me and rooting for me and believing that things will turn out for me. Somehow, all of that made me feel hopeful and I started to feel a confidence that my results would be positive. I'd feel my fears melt away.

And then I'd get nervous about feeling so hopeful. Don't do it! Don't set yourself up for disappointment! Stay neutral! Stay calm!

What a crazy roller coaster ride, a horrible cycle I was going through all day and all night! Let me know what is happening so I can move forward and stop wondering!

Earlier this morning, I was looking through the journal I kept back in 2013. I'd made a goal that year to write in my journal every day and I did it. That's pretty cool because I have documented everything I went through when getting pregnant with Gavin. If I feel a twinge in my back and start worrying about cramps, I look back and see that I had those with Gavin too. It's not necessarily a bad sign. Maybe everything is okay. But then, maybe it's not? Gah!

Looking back in my journal, I realized that I'd always gotten my blood test done when my embryos were 15 days old, which would be today! Well, what the heck? Why are they making me wait an extra two days!? This is torturous!

I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone, telling her that maybe I'd go and buy a urine test and just get it over with. But she didn't like the idea. The urine test can end up giving you a false negative and then you can be all screwed up not knowing if it's a real negative or a fake negative! Of course, a positive would be great! But the negative would get me more worried than I already was! And I don't have a good history with pee tests. I've never seen a positive and that negative is just so mean and hurtful.

She said to me, "Why don't you just call and see if you can come in today?" I thought that was a great idea! I called the clinic and told my nurse that I'd tested this far along on all my other cycles and was able to see a positive on every one of them. So we set up for me to come in at noon.

I was feeling calm going into my appointment. I had a little talk with God on my way there. I told God that I believed in Him and His plan for me. But I also said that it'd sure be nice to not have to do things the hard way all the time. Maybe I could get a break from all the tough love, that I could have this second child come without so much grief and struggle. And not just for me, but for my husband too. I'm sure it'd be a relief for him to see our family grow without so much trial and turmoil. Not only that, but I only have one other embryo and it'd be nice to have this pregnancy work out so there isn't so much pressure on that one embryo. It was an honest talk, but I still felt myself putting it all in His hands. I felt that I'd be okay with whatever happened, that I was strong enough to move forward with either outcome.

A few hours after my blood test, I was heading to my apartment with Gavin in one arm and his diaper bag in another, trying to hold on to my leftover Sonic Burger too. Then the phone rang. Great! Not good timing with my hands full. Even better? There were two guys with leaf blowers doing their noisy job right next to me! Wow! Worst timing for a call!

But I wasn't going to miss it!

I was so distracted by my crazy situation that I didn't have much time to worry about the call, whether the news would be bad or good. But the nurse had a happy and positive tone, so I was feeling pretty happy pretty quickly. Sure enough, she told me that my results were back and that I'm pregnant! My levels were at 75, which is pretty good. Yay for me! They will have me back on Saturday to make sure the levels are rising like they should.

Of course, I was happy. Mostly, I was happy that I didn't have to deal with a negative! I didn't have to face the fact that all my hopes now rested on one embryo left in the freezer. I didn't have to be bummed out and wait another few months to try again. And I was a little shocked too that I've gotten pregnant five times in a row. I think it's pretty rare for a woman to get pregnant every time with in vitro. I guess I have bum embryos but a really inviting uterus! I know how to stick 'em, just don't know how to keep them very well!

I called my husband, called my parents, and called my sister-in-law. We are all happy but we've been here before so we're all hesitant too. This is the beginning of an uphill battle. I so wish we could be elated and feel nothing but happiness and glee. I wish I knew the statistics too, what my chances are of having a successful pregnancy. Does it make a difference that I've miscarried so much in the past? Does it make a difference that I've had a successful pregnancy? I haven't been able to find that out.

So our first quest is to make it through the weekend, to see the levels rising. Then we need to make it to our first ultrasound and see a heartbeat. Once you get to the heartbeat, your chance of success goes way up. Lucky for me, I only have to wait about two or three weeks before my first ultrasound. Crazy how soon you can see a heartbeat, right? C'mon little baby! Or babies?

I was hesitant to write about my results before I got my second blood test done. But if I want you all to experience this journey with me, then this is certainly a part of it, feeling the joy and the triumph but feeling the nervousness and hesitation too. It's such a jumble of emotions and mostly I try to keep my distance from it all in order to keep my sanity!

At least my overwhelming angst is over. I am pregnant. We have a chance. Now it's taking it one milestone at a time.

I also wanted to let you all know so that you could keep praying for me and my family. Maybe there is some real power in prayer. Maybe your faith and thoughts helped get us here. If so, keep at it! With all my heart, thank you. I appreciate it so much!

I decided to say my own little prayer after hearing the results. But then I stopped and wanted it to be our prayer, mine and Gavin's. This doesn't just affect me anymore. This is Gavin's family too and I'm sure he wants a sibling! He specifically wants a sister. That's what he keeps saying anyway. So I had Gavin fold his arms and I said to God:

"Please help my baby brother or baby sister to grow strong inside my mommy. Help him to be healthy, and grow like he should so that we can meet him someday. Help her to become a part of our family, so that I can play with her and we can be good friends."

"In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Gavin said, "AMEN!"

The Real Trial - It's All About the Money, Money, Money

A lot of you might have seen this picture that's been going around. Of course, I can appreciate it. There's so much work that goes into having a baby, making the miracle happen when you're dealing with infertility and having to fight the odds.

Funny thing is, I consider the shots to be a rather minor sacrifice. Right now, I have two big bruises on my bum from giving myself progesterone shots every day. Yeah, it's kinda lame and sad. But I would give myself a shot three times a day - three times an hour! - if it meant I could make myself a baby.

If we're talking about resources, my physical and emotional resources are nearly unlimited. I am willing to endure any pain and discomfort. I am willing to submit myself to the unknowns - to the negative pregnancy tests, to the miscarriages, and whatever else - in order to have children.

Physically and emotionally, I can be the ultimate punching bag for my children because it's worth it. Gavin is worth it and so are all of my other children. Whatever I have to go through, I'll do it.

We're so blessed to have the medical knowledge that we do, that we've made such great advancements and are able to do in vitro fertilization. Each time a woman does in vitro fertilization, she has about a 30% chance of taking home a baby. Those are actually better odds than your typical fertile couple who have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. Imagine that! In vitro fertilization has actually helped level the playing field and gives infertile couples about as good a chance of having a baby as the next person.

But you're only on a level playing field if you have unlimited funds.

That's the big hang up for the whole in vitro process. Yes, it may level the playing field but you've got to be able to fund all those tries. A fertile couple can try again and again, month after month, at essentially no cost to them. Like me, they can submit themselves to the emotional trauma but they don't have to pay for it in dollars. A fertile couple has a negative test. Okay, we'll keep trying. A fertile couple loses a pregnancy. Okay, we'll keep trying. You get the picture.

I lose a pregnancy, and I've got to scrounge up thousands of dollars to give it another shot.

That's where the majority of the devastation comes in because, unlike my emotional and physical resources, my monetary resources are limited. I am willing to try again and again, but I just cannot pull money out of thin air.

Of course, insurance coverage would be a dream. I know it exists out there and some super lucky people get to do this at a discounted cost. But for us, there is no fertility benefit and that's pretty standard across most states. It's kind of a joke, really, how they write the fertility benefit in the insurance policies. (And I've read many insurance policies). They all say the same thing.

"We cover fertility treatments except for the following: Fertility drugs, injectable fertility medications, intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), and basically anything and everything to do with helping you get a baby."

Gee, thanks a lot! Glad to see you care so much about me having a family. Thanks for the free birth control, though. That helps a lot!

With no help from our insurance, we had to look into financing. We saw an article that had ideas for financing your fertility treatments. The first option was to get a loan from your parents. We had a good laugh about that. But for some people, that is a real option. In fact, we live in a pretty affluent area and I've heard of plenty of couples with rich parents. So-and-so's dad is a dentist so they were able to try fertility treatments again and again, no sweat.

No, no, I'm not jealous at all. Sure would be handy if only the wealthy had fertility issues, though.

The second option was to take out an equity loan on your home. We had a good laugh at that too. Sorry, I haven't bought a home yet. I'm too busy paying for my fertility treatments! Duh!

Eventually, we decided to get our own loan to finance the treatments. It's a five year loan with a similar monthly payment to buying a decent car. Now, I'm not sure how many car payments you can afford but I know your average middle-class American family has about one or two car payments. That's where we're at right now - two car payments, but only one car.

My pregnancy test is coming up this Saturday, just a few days away, and I can feel that anxiety rising. It's not because I can't handle a negative pregnancy test. It's because a negative pregnancy test means we have to find more money to try again. Even trying with my one embryo in the freezer will cost us another $4000 and that's on top of the $1000 I paid for them to freeze it in the first place! Yes, just that one embryo will cost us $5000. And if that doesn't work, we'll have to find ourselves another $13,000 to try all over again. That's another car payment right there and there's only so many cars we can afford. We're about maxed out as is.

Trust me, a baby is worth all that money. If I had all the money in the world, that's where I would spend it. No doubt. But the financial strain is what causes so much of the anxiety, so much of the devastation.

I hate to be a pessimist, but I'm already trying to work out in my mind how we're going to fund more tries, especially with only one embryo left over. Of course, I'm a full-time mom right now and I may have to start working if we need the money to try again. The problem with that is we will have to buy me a car to get to work! So there's another car payment on our plate. With two car payments, plus two fertility payments, not to mention the childcare payments with me going to work, we'll be pretty bogged down by debt. It's a sad, scary, and stressful situation.

With all that being said, I hope you're all praying hard that things work out for us. I need all the faith and prayers I can get!

And I want to end with a little tribute to my mom. After our first three tries, which all ended in miscarriage, she wanted to help us out with our fourth try. By no means is she a rich woman. She is a single woman living on her own. She works full time and rides her bike to work most days, about 30 miles round trip. She does whatever she can to save money.

For us, she set aside a fertility fund. And what did she do? She worked overtime. Whenever they offered a Saturday to come in and work, she took it. And everything she earned from her overtime, she put into our fund until she reached her goal. She gave us the money and what did we get? Gavin.

My mom told me, "I can't take away the emotional burden, but I can help lift the financial one."

Thank you, Mom.