So Calm

Last time, I talked about our hormones and how they all work together. I also talked about how I'd be giving myself shots of the follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) so we get all those eggs growing. Here's your chance to join me on the shot process if you click here. Really, it's kind of an entertaining video because I'm such a clutz.

I had the pleasure of hanging out with a bunch of lovely women this evening. I spent a good part of it snuggling with their tiny babies, smiling at them and soaking up all their preciousness. Yes, I am completely baby crazy. Guilty as charged! It's such a leap forward for me to enjoy these little babies instead of feeling miserable and uncomfortable around them. And it reflects where I am with my emotions right now, which is a much better place than I was before.

I guess I've really run the gamut with my emotions, since I started out so hopeful when first doing in vitro. Never did I imagine things could be so hard, so draining, and so dark. After all that loss, I was so jaded. I had no capacity to hope anymore. I was numb, just going through the motions and waiting for the next ax to fall.

Things are so much different this time. More than anything, my life is so much fuller than it was before. Honestly, my life was really quite awesome in Hawaii. I absolutely loved living there. I loved my job, my friends, the mountains, and the ocean. My life was full and rich in so many ways.

But I didn't have Gavin.

Gavin fills my heart and my home with joy. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh. I get so excited to see his bright smiling face because it brings me so much happiness. You know the orange juices that brag about being 100% juice? This is like 100% freshly-squeezed happiness right into my heart and soul. I cannot think of a happiness more pure than that.

I could go on and on about how adorable he is and everything he does that makes me smile and laugh. He's made such a difference in my life and it's really influenced where I am today and how I approach this next round of in vitro. My life is so much fuller now so I don't feel as obsessive about the outcome, how it's all going to play out. More than anything, he has taken away that horrible anxiety of wondering whether this will ever work, whether all this money and shots and procedures will ever amount to a baby. It will. Maybe not this time, or the next time, but it will. Gavin is proof of that.

And I know I have the perseverance to keep going, to continue until I reach the prize. That was my attitude throughout my entire journey, that I had to feel like I gave everything I had, that I fought for my kids until I had nothing left emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. I had to know that I gave it my all. And I did. I sacrificed so much for Gavin. But it was worth it and now I know that patience and perseverance can pay off.

So I'm not obsessing. I'm not anxious. And why should I be? At the end of the day, there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. I've done my part to ask questions, find answers, and do my best for my eggs. Now all I can do is let nature take its course and see what God has in store for me.

I guess you could say that I've given it all into God's hands. And there's kind of a peace in that, a release. Life doesn't work out how you plan and some things are beyond your control. All I can do is move forward, hope, trust, and believe that I am capable of surviving whatever is next. Heck, instead of learning to survive pregnancy loss, maybe I'll learn to survive twins!

The point is, I am calm. I've been through this before and I'm stronger now. So is my support system. My expectations are different, more realistic. And my life is happy and full.

I think that's a pretty good place to be.