The Final Countdown - Third Trimester

Hello and welcome to the third trimester, filled with excitement, anticipation, and a whole lot of largeness!

I’m coming up on 28 weeks now and it feels good to be here. Each day that passes is one day closer to a healthy baby outside the womb. And boy, is he ever healthy! He is kicking and punching and moving all around. It’s so reassuring to feel that throughout the day and it’s fascinating to feel the different movements and wonder what in the world is happening in there! I’ve felt him kicking my hip bone, as far to the side as you can get, and I can’t imagine how he’s all the way over there. Sometimes I feel like he’s just trying to bust his way out already. Makes me nervous for when he’s a few pounds heavier!

We had another look at him on ultrasound a few weeks ago, probably our last one until he makes his big debut. I’d made the decision to go with the Riverton doctor. Even though they didn’t allow recording of the ultrasound, I loved everything else about my experience there so I figured it was the better choice, especially with the nicer hospital. We actually had Nick sneak some footage of the ultrasound but it didn’t quite work out anyway and that was okay. It’s more fun to watch when the baby is moving all around and he wasn’t quite as active this time, nor was he in the best position for great photos. But he looked healthy and strong and is still measuring five days ahead, which is all good news and what matters most.

I got to talk to the doctor a little more at this visit. He’s definitely very funny and I’m feeling more comfortable with him. We mostly talked about the possibility of a scheduled induction. We have a very busy summer with a lot going on right around his due date. It’d be nice to have his delivery scheduled so we can make set plans instead of them being all up in the air until the last minute. I hate to miss out on the excitement of going into labor on my own but that’s about the only downside, and he could always come on his own before that too. The doctor said I could be induced at 39 weeks, which works for me. We’re too far from the due date to talk too seriously about it right now. The doctor said he’d be happy to have that conversation with me because it means we made it that far!

Of course he’s referring to my risk for developing pre eclampsia again. It’s such an odd condition – your body basically reacting negatively to the placenta - and it hits much more often with first pregnancies than with others. But I’m still at risk and I’m suddenly feeling very aware of that risk now that I’m into my third trimester. Fortunately, I don’t have too many of the big risk factors, like diabetes, obesity, twins, or being over 40. But I did get it pretty early on and pretty severely the last time. It can happen any time after 20 weeks but is much more common after 37 weeks. I had my first symptoms at around 31 or 32 weeks and had to deliver Gavin at 33 weeks when my condition became severe and my lungs filled up with fluid. So we’re all going to feel very grateful for each week that passes without incident!

We have our hearts set on delivering in June, not only to avoid the pre eclampsia problems and deliver a healthy baby, but to take advantage of a brand new benefit offered at Nick’s new job. Starting June 1^st, employees can take three weeks paid parental leave! That is so exciting and such a fantastic benefit for both parents! The baby will be 37 weeks by June 1^st so we feel good about him coming at any point after that. Come on, baby, let’s make it to June!

It makes me wonder about the pre eclampsia issue and whether we’ll make it that far. I tried seeing if there were any ways to avoid it, but it sounds like you either get it or you don’t. That being said, it has made me a little more concerned about how I’m treating my body. The numbers on the scale paint a pretty good picture of just how poorly I’ve been treating myself these past few months and I’m not at all happy about it. I was in good shape before getting pregnant but was way too scared to work out once I started the in vitro process. It’s been a downward spiral since then and I’ve let myself get addicted to sugar and fall completely out of shape. So I’m feeling the need to make some changes now instead of waiting until the baby comes. I want to feel confident that I’m giving my baby the best chance at delivering full term and I know that delivery and recovery go much better when you’re healthy and fit anyway. 

So I want to make a commitment to stop drinking soda since it offers nothing good for you at all. And I want to cut out a lot of the sugar. My husband has been wanting to do the same so we’ll probably sit down and make a plan together. I know some people think pregnancy is a free pass to eat whatever but it really isn’t healthy and I’m definitely feeling it. Yuck.

With me starting my third trimester, I’m feeling a little antsy and wanting to get ready. I’ve at least figured out where I’m delivering and who my doctor will be. Thank goodness for that! But we’re still undecided on names and are now dealing with the reality of getting moved into a home before the baby comes. Searching for a home has been incredibly taxing and I’ve been struggling to sort out how we can get the most bang for our buck with this crazy competitive market we’re in.

After a whole lot of searching, we’re finally under contract for a home as of today! We love the home and the location is very convenient for Nick getting to work. But I’m not celebrating yet since we have inspections to do and will need to sort through any other negotiations that may come up. Once we get that behind us, hoping all goes well, then we’ll be set to move in at the end of April, giving me about six or seven weeks to prepare for the baby in our new home. It will be a very exciting time and I’m looking forward to it! Lots of changes ahead, but lots of good things. I’m feeling incredibly blessed.

In the meantime, I’ve been doing some babysitting to earn some extra money and have been working on my artwork. It’d be nice to actually earn some money from my art and one of my friends has been pushing me to make a coloring book. So I’m finally doing that. It’s been challenging but fun and I’m hoping it’ll actually pan out into something lucrative, even if it’s only a little bit. I know as the weeks go by, it’ll get harder and harder to focus on that stuff, especially with so much to do in getting ready to move and preparing for the baby. But those are fun and exciting things to keep me busy so I don’t mind!

This is a wonderful time. Gavin can be challenging but is just so darn cute and makes us laugh all the time. It is amazing how much he talks and how quickly he learns. Nick has his new job that is going well and giving us awesome new benefits. I’m working on fun projects at home and enjoying my time for hobbies and friends. We’re finally buying our first home and feeling really excited about it. And we have this little blessing doing acrobatics inside my belly. It’s just one of those seasons in life where you have to stop and appreciate how beautiful everything is. We know all about extreme highs and lows in this family and this is definitely an extreme high. We’ll take it!

Once we have things squared away, I’ll share more about the home and keep you posted on my progress with my health. In another month, this baby will have almost doubled in weight so it’s all the more reason for me to keep an eye on my own weight so I don’t end up falling over from an enormous belly. I’m feeling plenty large already with just a 2 lbs baby in there, and it’s getting uncomfortable to sleep and move too much. Yes, time to take better care of myself and my baby too. Or he might come out looking like a block of chocolate.

Five Months - An Egg, an Embryo, a Viable Baby

Today is February 22nd, which puts me exactly four months from my due date. This week, I will be 23 weeks along and my baby will be viable. Granted, his odds wouldn't be so great this early on, but it's a bit of a milestone to think that your baby could make it if things got complicated, that life is possible outside of the womb.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how many unknowns are in our immediate future. It's wonderful that one of our big unknowns has turned into a positive, that this in vitro cycle worked out and I've enjoyed an easy pregnancy. Three years ago, I was dealing with the darkness surrounding my third miscarriage. It's amazing to think how much has changed in just that short of a time, not only that I have a son and a second on the way, but that I'm so far removed from that sorrowful state I was in. In fact, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life right now and I'm continually thankful for that.

But I've been remembering just how unpredictable life can be. We're all assuming that I will carry this baby full term, that I'll have a more natural experience with birth and recovery than I did with Gavin. But really, there's no guarantee. I'm not here to be a pessimist but I do know that life can throw you curve balls, even when you're hopeful. I look at my belly and wonder if I'll have a scar there someday, whether this baby will be born in May or even April. While my chances for pre-eclampsia are somewhat low at 25%, it could certainly still happen again, perhaps earlier or later than last time. You can never really know how things will progress, or whether any other issues will arise.

I'm still feeling hopeful and confident about the baby. I'd love to make it all the way and have a normal delivery. But I look ahead and realize that it's all an unknown until we get there.

On top of that, we're in the market to buy a home. Finally, after ten years of marriage and nine moves, we'll be buying our first home together. This has been something we've been looking forward to for years and has been outside of our reach for one reason or another. But Nick got a new job here in Utah and that helps us feel more secure in staying for a while. And with another baby on the way, it makes sense to buy instead of rent. We're thrilled at the opportunity to finally settle down, to put in the time to make our home our own, and know we can enjoy it for more than a year! Woohoo!

It will probably look like this.

Or maybe this.

Hey, I can dream, right?

The thing about home buying is it presents another unknown. The market has not been as promising as we hoped, so it may take a few more months to find what's right for us. It'd be nice to have a home before our baby comes, but it may not happen if we can't find what we're looking for. I could be moving all our belongings with an enormous belly or with a brand new baby and neither sound too thrilling. (P.S. After moving so much, I really hate moving). So the timing is a big fat question mark, nor do we know where we'll end up. We're open to a few different cities around the valley. So here I am shopping for a new doctor and a hospital but I have no clue whether that choice will be convenient to my new home or not.

So I don't know where I'll be bringing my baby home to. It could be here in our two-bedroom condo, or it could be our new home, wherever that is. All I know is, it does stink to have a brand new baby at a brand new church. It's more fun to have the support and excitement of everyone you know, or so I would assume anyway. We'd only been in our last ward about a month before we had Gavin, so no one even knew who we were! We'll probably be doing that all over again.

Here we are in limbo land but I'm at a really happy place right now. I've got an adorable baby moving around in my belly and am excited to meet him. Gavin is getting cuter and cuter with his communicating and loves his mommy very much. Nick is as at a new job with some great opportunities to develop his skills and advance his career. I've been working a lot more on my artwork and feel excited about it. And I've made some really good friends here and have enjoyed filling my schedule with visits, games, crafts, and other adventures. In fact, we had a completely impromptu outing and dinner with friends last night, just because we ran into each other in the neighborhood. That's my kinda lifestyle.

Nick and I have our ten year anniversary in a few weeks and we'll be going on a kid-free trip (unless you count the baby, I guess) to San Diego where we honeymooned. We actually haven't been back since and are excited to explore the area and have fun together. After being stuck in this smog-filled valley these last six months, I'm very much looking forward to a change in scenery!

In the meantime, my doctor search is coming to a close. I was able to get in to the Alta View doctor about a week ago and actually liked him a little better than the Riverton doctor. The Alta View doctor was more professional and felt more concerned and caring while the Riverton doctor was more of a guy you'd invite to your BBQ for his laughs and enthusiasm.

But in every other way, Alta View was the lesser of the two options. The facility is older and smaller, felt really cramped, and was not as inviting as Riverton. The office felt like it hadn't been changed since 1985, with old color on the walls and low lighting. Plus the nurse and staff were not as engaging. In fact, the nurse hardly interacted with me at all, a huge contrast to my Riverton experience. So I'm feeling more comfortable moving forward with the Riverton doctor as I enjoyed every bit of my experience there. I just need to see if I can work around their policy of no video at ultrasounds, since I hate to miss out on preserving that experience.

Things are looking up, just a little bit in limbo. But I'm happy for the here and now. Life is treating me well and I'm soaking up all the happiness I can get.

My Expedition for an Obstetrician

Can you believe I'm halfway through this pregnancy!? Slowly but surely, the weeks have passed by and here I am with four months under my belt and four months to go! Right now, the baby measures at about 10 inches tall from head to foot! That's right, folks. We go from a spec of dust to ten inches tall in just four months! Imagine the statue of liberty stacked on top of itself nine times. If we grew as quickly as an embryo in the womb, that's how tall we'd be in four months. That is some fierce growing, not to mention all the incredible formation of complex organs and systems happening all along the way. I'm in constant awe of how miraculous it is, and we women have it happen inside of us with very little awareness and pretty much no control over any of it. It just happens!

And I'm talking from the foundation to the top of the statue, by the way, not just the statue itself! If it was just the statue, it'd be stacked 24 times!!!

I'm really enjoying this pregnancy. Everything has been easy and I've been feeling this baby quite a lot more than I felt Gavin. I am loving his punches and kicks. Sometimes he really gets going and I just sit there, smile, and enjoy every tap I can get. He's definitely an evening guy. He's most active after I put Gavin to bed. That's going to be interesting, since Gavin is a morning person. A morning kid and an evening kid. Sounds like a lot of fun.

I've also been showing earlier than my first, which I know is pretty common. I seem to be about five or six weeks ahead of where I was last time, as far as my bump goes. Can't say I'm necessarily loving that part but I'm at least getting a whole lot closer to looking officially pregnant instead of just fat. I'm sure I'll be there by the time March rolls around.

The latest big event was my 20 week ultrasound. For those who don't know, you usually have an in-depth ultrasound at your halfway point. The technician spends a lot of time looking at the baby - checking out particular structures, taking measurements, and looking for anything out of the ordinary. They look at the brain, the heart, the stomach and kidneys, the bladder, the spine, and measure some of the bones. It's a lot of fun because you get to spend all that time really exploring your baby and getting to know him a lot better.

I had my 20 week ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, February 2nd, and was super excited to take a closer look at my little boy. Unfortunately, I ended up with a very full plate that day and found myself scrambling to get to the appointment on time. I had to pick up Nick from work and made the terrible mistake of taking surface streets. I got incredibly unlucky on the way, hitting nearly every red light. It was unbelievable and almost laughable, except there was nothing funny about running late to my appointment. What I thought it would take 20 minutes ended up taking 40!

So I didn't get Nick until 4pm, right when I needed to be at my appointment. Yikes! I was feeling pretty stressed out, wondering if we would make it in time. I decided to call and let them know I was running late. They're always an hour or more behind so I figured I might actually be fine. But no one answered. I just got a machine saying their office was closed. No it's not! Obviously, you're all still there since I have an appointment right now!

It took me 20 minutes to get from Nick's work to the front desk at the office. I hurriedly signed in and told the lady at the front that I was so sorry for being late. I said I'd tried to call and she said, "Oh yeah, we turn our phones off at 4pm." That put such a bad taste in my mouth. You're all still here for at least another hour and yet you purposely make yourself unavailable to your clients. How is this good business? Good customer service? How hard is it to pick up the phone and help someone? Be available to them? Yuck. I didn't like that at all. It made me feel like I was an inconvenience instead of a valued customer.

I sit down to fill out some paperwork and my nurse - who is always very impersonal - comes to the front to tell me I'm too late for my ultrasound. I'm already irked at their stupid phone policy, super flustered that I arrived so late, and now have this major let down that I can't do my ultrasound after all. The nurse tells me I can still see the doctor but he was delivering a baby right then so I'd have to wait an hour. Oh, really? Wait an hour like I always do at this office? No, thank you. So I had to reschedule for later the next week.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them for having to reschedule my appointment, nor do I blame the doctor for delivering a baby. Please. This was all my own fault for not picking a better route and keeping better track of my time. I tend to cut things a little too close and am often late to things. So I paid the price.

BUT...

Just the way I felt in the office helped tipped the scale for me. I'm not enjoying how I'm treated, not feeling valued or welcome there, nor do I appreciate their horribly long wait times. Maybe it's time to look elsewhere.

Unfortunately, shopping for doctors is very tricky. First, many people value different things in a doctor. I was reading reviews on a popular doctor nearby who tells a lot of irreverent jokes during his visits. Some people thought this was fun and endearing while others really hated that kind of levity. So you have to understand what is really important to you and try to seek that out specifically, which requires a LOT of research, time, and risk, because you won't really know for sure until you meet them.

Second, it's not just the doctor but his nurse and staff that influence your experience. I saw plenty of doctors who had good reviews online but everyone hated the nurse, or the office was terrible. Or it could be the other way around, where the staff is great but the doctor isn't. Either way, finding an all around good experience is tough and a bit of a tall order, but more important than you might think. The nurse is especially important because you can certainly end up spending more time with her than the doctor and she's usually your first contact if you ever have any questions or concerns. Having a nurse who is personable, responsive, and respectful is pretty important.

And, of course, the facility matters as well. Again, personal preference comes into play here and, unfortunately, you really just get who you get when it comes to the nurses in labor and delivery. No picking and choosing there. But some facilities rate higher than others and that's a good clue on where to go.

The day after my stressful no-ultrasound day, I spent so much time doing research. It was all stuff I'd seen before, the same doctors with the same reviews and the same hospitals. Not really any new leads there. I was pretty exhausted with it and feeling down. How was I going to find the right place for me? What if everywhere sucks?

Per the suggestion of a friend, I decided a good place to start would be the labor and delivery tours at the different hospitals. Maybe I would get a feel of where I'd like to deliver my baby. I'd delivered Gavin at Intermountain Medical Center in Murray and had liked most of my nurses, especially in recovery. A lot of my hesitation was going to another hospital where maybe I wouldn't feel as comfortable.

After A TON of research, I'd narrowed it down to two hospitals. Alta View Hospital is very close but had some mixed reviews. It seemed like people either loved it or hated it, probably depending on which nurse you got. My other choice was Riverton Hospital. It's quite a bit farther, about a 25 minute drive, but this hospital had the best reviews out of any other hospital. Everyone loved delivering there.

I was so anxious to start my new research plan that I went that same evening, leaving Nick to watch our son. I went down to Alta View first, which is only a 10 minute drive. I was met by a middle-aged nurse who was very low key. She showed me a room and I was a little disappointed in the room size, which seemed a bit small. There was, however, a jetted tub in the room and that sounds pretty awesome.

The nurse told me that this was definitely a more cozy feel in comparison to the bigger hospitals where there are a lot of patients and a lot of hustle and bustle. I did ask about a NICU and they don't have one, which was a concern of mine. But she did say they deliver babies as early as 34 weeks and can care for them there. That put my mind at ease. Hopefully I'll make it that far this time!

Suddenly it struck me. No one would know doctors better than these labor and delivery nurses. They are the ones who see them in action and know their personalities better than anyone! So I started telling the nurse what kind of a doctor I was looking for. I wanted someone personable, someone who would take the time to talk with me and make me feel like a person instead of just a patient. I also wanted someone who would take good care of me, would communicate with me about my options, about what he was doing in any kind of procedure. And I especially wanted a little bit of enthusiasm, someone who is excited for me and excited about the baby.

After I told her all this, she was very specific. "I think you would like Dr. Russell Smith." She went on to tell me about his personality, that he was caring and very enthusiastic. I was really struck with how decisive she was about that. I recognized his name because I'd researched just about every doctor in the valley and I remembered that he was highly rated. I felt good leaving the hospital, finally having a reliable lead on a good fit for a doctor!

I went on to Riverton Hospital and was hoping to get just as lucky, that the nurse would tip me off on which doctor to see. There was definitely a different feel at Riverton, with lots of nurses around and a bigger feel in general, though not too big that it felt like a zoo. In fact, they had hardly anything going that evening so it was actually pretty quiet.

I had a younger nurse take me to a room, which was much roomier than the Alta View rooms. That was a big draw for me to have everything feel roomier. Didn't see any jets in their tubs, though. When we got to the room, I divulged my plot to find a good doctor from their recommendations there. Unfortunately, she was very hesitant to oblige, saying they were not allowed to recommend anyone. She did drop a few names, though most of them I didn't recognize, and said I'd be in good hands with any of them. I tried to get her to open up about anyone in particular but she wouldn't. Oh well.

I definitely liked the bigger rooms at Riverton, but I felt like either hospital would be fine. It would come down to which doctor I liked best, including his office staff. I had the Alta View lead but not much from Riverton. I called labor and delivery the next day hoping the nurse on the phone would be more forthcoming, but she said the same thing as the other nurse - not allowed to recommend anyone. She directed me to three offices nearby and said I should call and ask them. Definitely not as good as asking the nurses at labor and delivery, but it was my only place to start.

I called and found the receptionists were just as hesitant as the nurses. Seemed like there was a lot of shrugging of shoulders, either because they didn't really know the doctors that well or they didn't want to mention anyone specifically and get in trouble. If I couldn't get a recommendation on a Riverton doctor, then I guess it would be easy and I'd have to trust in this Dr. Smith guy over at Alta View.

On my last office call, I described my perfect doctor and the receptionist said, "That sounds like Dr. Ryan Empey!" Wow! Okay! Finally someone with a decisive answer. I didn't ask much further than that since she sounded so confident and this was my only lead. Not only that, but I remembered that Dr. Empey was the first name the labor and delivery nurse had dropped while I was there at the Riverton Hospital. So maybe we were on to something here!

I wanted to meet with both Dr. Smith and Dr. Empey as soon as possible. I was a little more confident about Dr. Smith, but they couldn't see me until March 2nd. Bummer that I'd have to wait so long but I scheduled it anyway. Dr Empey, on the other hand, could see me as early as next Monday, February 8th, including a visit to do my 20 week ultrasound I'd missed at my other clinic. Okay then. Looks like I'd be seeing Dr. Empey first and then visiting with Dr. Smith a few weeks later. Then I could make my decision.

So today was the big day! Finally I'd have my 20 week ultrasound and would get a good look at my little boy. And hopefully I'd have a better experience than at my other office. Time to put it all to the test!

Let me tell you, everything was GREAT! The ladies at the front desk were adorable, especially this the woman who helped me check in. She was excited about my ultrasound. "That's always so exciting! So much fun!" She didn't wait for me to fill out paperwork. "No one wants to do insurance stuff. You go back and do that ultrasound." What a sweetheart!

The ultrasound technician was really nice too. She was very informative, pointing out everything she was doing and printing off lots of pictures for us. She asked us questions too, about the pregnancy, about in vitro, and about our son. When she learned of my medical history, she said, "I'm sorry, but if you have to go through in vitro, I don't think you should be allowed to suffer through miscarriages too." Girl, truer words have never been spoken!

Then we met the nurse. Gosh, she was excellent! She really took the time to talk about our history and get to know us. She was so attentive, enthusiastic, and understanding. She'd gone through fertility treatments herself, so she appreciated and understood what we'd been through. She talked about how isolating it is to be infertile, when all your friends are having babies and have no idea of the difficulty. "If they want an April baby, they'll get an April baby!" she said. Yep!

She also talked about how she dumped all this time and money into in vitro and then it didn't work. She did it once and vowed never to do it again because of how emotional it was, how harrowing. Knowing my history, she couldn't understand how I survived what I did. Sometimes I don't even know myself, especially when I meet people who quit after one or two tries. They're more common than the ones who persevere because it's just so draining and upsetting. But I'm very glad I pushed forward.

Anyway, it was nice to share that with her and have her be so understanding. After years and years of other fertility treatments, she did manage to have three kids, so I was happy for her. "That's my goal!" I said. "You'll get there," she said. A few years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at her optimism. But now I appreciate it.

The doctor came in and was very fun. He seems like the kind of guy that you always see smiling and happy, like life is way too awesome to ever feel down. He said he loves talking to his patients and getting to know everyone. I was definitely enjoying his enthusiasm. I told him about my pregnancy with Gavin. He said they'd be keeping a close watch on me to make sure I wouldn't go the pre-eclampsia route again. I sure hope I don't!

All in all, my experience at this office was far better than I'd hoped, especially since every member of the staff was so excellent. My only one complaint - and it's kind of a HUGE complaint - is they wouldn't let me take video of the ultrasound! What!? Why!? Some liability thing, I guess, but so many other offices let you take video or at least give you a DVD of the ultrasound. Man, I was so bummed by that, especially since I loved everything else about the office!

I mentioned this to the doctor and he agreed it was a big bummer. He said he wasn't sure why they didn't do the DVD thing, as if that's saving them a ton of money or something. He did joke with Nick that he should act like he needed to do something on his phone but actually be taking video with it instead. I guess we just got permission to cheat. Haha! If I go with this office, I will make a big stink about it. I hate not having a video of all the fun movements in there. It's just too magical not to have it on film!

So, all I have are pictures. Sorry I can't share the big show with you. And he did put on a show, moving all around in there. I actually felt a few bumps from him during the ultrasound and it made me smile. We got a pretty good look at his face and his limbs, which were all looking very familiar. I see some meaty legs forming, just like Gavin's, and the profile looks a lot like Gavin too. And ya know what, I'm fine with that. It's exciting to think that I'm creating another cute boy in there. Seeing him move all around and looking so cute made me feel so anxious to meet him. I especially enjoyed his thumb sucking, which we saw a month ago at our last ultrasound. That kid definitely likes his thumb. We saw it on 3D ultrasound too and couldn't help but ooh and ah at the cuteness.

My dad had asked if he could come to the ultrasound and I was glad he came so he could see it live, especially since we got no video privileges. I enjoyed all of his "wows" at everything. It really is amazing what we can do with technology, to open this window into the womb. It makes me wonder what we'll be able to do with ultrasounds in another twenty or thirty years.

So, right now, we're very happy with our new office and happy to see our little boy is looking quite healthy, happy, and cute. But I'm anxious to meet with the other doctor too, find out about his staff and his personality. I did call to ask about their ultrasounds and they also don't like the videos but will at least give you a DVD, which is just as good as taking your own video anyway. So they have a huge plus there. But we'll see if his staff can compete with what we saw today. Nick and I left feeling very impressed with our experience there and that's going to be hard to beat.

I'm set to go back to the Riverton doctor on March 7th. They'll be doing another ultrasound because our little guy wouldn't cooperate and let us see the bottom of his spine. Another ultrasound? That's fine with me! I meet with the Dr. Smith at Alta View on March 2nd, though I keep trying to see if they have any cancellations so I can see him sooner. Either way, I'm feeling more excited about my new prospects of doctors and staff and will be cancelling over at my old clinic. Amazing what a journey it is to find the right doctor!!

But to me, it's worth it. This is the most magical experience and I want to be in good hands. I'm so happy for this pregnancy and anxious to see my two cute boys together. We're going to be quite the team.

A Brother for Gavin

No better time to blog than at 1:30 in the morning, right?

It’s my own fault. Earlier this evening, we were out having dinner with friends. Well, I couldn’t help it. I felt myself needing a little something to drink besides water. So what do I order? A Dr. Pepper.

And here I am paying for it.

I’ve never been much of a soda drinker or a caffeine guzzler. I know plenty of people who don’t go a day without their pop / caffeine fix and it’s never something I wanted to get into the habit of doing. Pouring all kinds of chemicals into your body doesn’t seem like too great of an addiction anyway. But I do enjoy a soda when I go out and I’ve found myself paying for it more and more lately. Should have stuck with water, I guess!

But enough about soda! Let’s talk about this active little life inside of me!

We had our gender reveal about two weeks ago, just a few days after Christmas. I found myself wondering about the gender quite a bit, trying to get a feel for a girl or a boy. I started out pretty convinced it was a girl and became more and more convinced when so many people were guessing the same thing. In fact, for a while there, I had NO guesses for a boy at all! Clearly, there were some strong girl vibes emanating from my tummy.

But a few things got me wondering about it, whether we were right or wrong. I was surprised to hear my dad guess it was a boy. He added, “I just have this gut feeling whenever I think about it.” The thing is, my dad also had a gut feeling that I was pregnant in the first place. We’d had lunch together the day before my blood test, and I’d expressed quite a bit of skepticism that I was pregnant at all. I knew I was overdue for a negative anyway. Eventually my embryos wouldn’t stick. When I found out it was positive, my dad told me he wasn’t surprised, that he’d felt I was pregnant at our lunch together and had “had a good feeling about it.”

Since he was right before, I thought maybe my dad’s perceptions were a little more in tune than others’.

Then, when I was at the store picking up some baby wipes, this adorable baby blanket caught my eye, a blanket that was clearly for a BOY. I found this enormous smile spreading across my face and I giggled. “You ARE a boy,” I thought, “and you are just fooling so many people.” Something about that moment, and my sudden smile, made me feel a bit more certain that this baby was quite the trickster and would turn out to be a boy after all.

So I’d convinced myself that it was a boy and went to the ultrasound with my mother, visiting from California, and my husband, anxious to finally have this question answered. There sat my mom with a baby name book in her hand, writing down ideas for girl names, and I was shaking my head telling her she was wasting her time.

Sure enough, once we started moving the scanner down toward the baby’s nether regions, I kept seeing something flashing between the legs. Uh huh. Mm hmm. Again and again, this little something was popping and I was feeling more and more convinced that we had ourselves a little boy. My mom wasn’t seeing anything and declared it a girl, but I knew. We finally got the money shot and there was no doubt about it. Gavin was getting a little brother.

Here’s the video on youtube. If you can get it big enough, you can see him sucking his thumb the whole time, which I thought was pretty darn cute.

Now I’ll insert some honesty here. I was secretly hoping to be wrong about the gender. For a multitude of reasons, having a girl is very important to me. Not only have I been denied much girl connection for my entire life, but I have a very good relationship with my mom and I know that relationship stands out in comparison with my brothers. Not many boys grow up and keep in good touch with their mothers, but girls do and it’s something I hope to have someday with my daughters, a little “thank you for raising me” token by having a lifelong friendship and connection.

So I was just hoping for a girl so I could have this guarantee of getting a shot at that.

But I’ve found myself more and more okay - even happy and excited - to know that the boys will have each other. I know some brothers don’t get along, but I think there’s a good chance the two of them will become good friends, and that makes me very happy.

And I think Gavin will be a good big brother. He is really so cute with babies, actually. I think he can sense how precious they are. He goes up to a baby wanting to hug it, lean his head in, and be near the baby. He wants to touch the baby, especially the face, and will say “soft” because he knows he needs to be soft with the babies. And this smile will envelope his whole being, like he cannot even contain his excitement for the baby and how wonderful it is. It makes me hopeful for their relationship as brothers, though I’m sure it’ll be an adjustment once the spotlight starts shifting away from Gavin.

I think about that eventuality, of dividing my attention between toddler and infant, and it overwhelms me a little. Funny thing is, I couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome, to have my fertility process work out and to have the boys a good distance in age. But I know it’ll be a little rough at first, since Gavin will still be very young and still need much of my attention and care, not to mention his inability to understand much about being a brother and the need for mom to care for this small creature that has suddenly invaded the family. I think the first year may be a little difficult and then become perfectly splendid as the boys can really play together. That’ll be a fun time, I think.

I’m in continual awe of how easy this has been, not only in having in vitro work out but in having such an incredibly smooth pregnancy. Each week, I enjoy reading about the progress my baby is making and read of the symptoms I may expect. Frankly, it makes me shake my head to see just how much women go through, not only to carry and deliver a child, but in all the changes her body goes through in the process. We’re talking some serious expansion and retraction of all kinds of things and it blows my mind. And our bodies just do it, initiate and cope with all that change. Sheesh. High five, women. Seriously. We are awesome.

I read about all these symptoms and feel so lucky that I have none of them. The list goes on and on – headaches, constipation, heart burn, dry eyes, nausea – holy cow, how does a woman survive being pregnant!? The only symptom I’ve had is a whole lot of that expansion I mentioned earlier, though that’s in large part due to my holiday eating. I’ll be happy when I start looking pregnant and not just fat.

My next ultrasound is in two weeks, on February 2^nd, and I will be halfway done at that point, 20 weeks along. That zipped by quickly, especially with everything going so smoothly.

Unfortunately, I’ve been really struggling about my choice of doctor and have debated about what I should do. I know I’m being very particular, but I’ve had such a difficult time with getting pregnant that I find myself really hoping for an extraordinary pregnancy and birthing experience. A lot of that hinges on your relationship with your doctor and I find myself a little unsatisfied there. What I’m looking for is someone who’s as ecstatic as I am about this pregnancy, and who makes me feel comfortable with their attention to detail. My fertility doctor is a perfect example of this. He is very kind and caring, with an outstanding bedside manner, and is very interested and excited about me, my particular case, and my progress. I can tell him about my history and he will remember it on our next visit, and any visits thereafter. I can talk to him about Gavin, or about my progress with fertility, and he will smile and be genuinely excited about it. That’s what I need, someone who can be excited WITH me and take good care of me because they work hard to really know ME and my case.

And a woman would be nice, simply because I think it’s a little easier to have that kind of a connection between women, and I feel a little more entrusting of someone who actually knows what it is to have these parts!

I had a woman doctor with Gavin. She was fine but she did a few things I wasn’t too happy with, all during delivery. They told me she would hold Gavin up when I delivered him, so I could at least see him before he was whisked away to the NICU. But that didn’t happen. I saw his foot pop up between my legs, heard a little cry, and then he was gone. I didn’t even get a glimpse of his face and I was so bummed by that. That could have been a special moment for me and it didn’t happen.

There was also, at one point while pushing him out, a moment when she very suddenly left without a word. The nurse called after her, “Should she keep pushing?” but there was no reply. Granted, she was probably whisked away for something rather dire or there wouldn’t be that kind of urgency. Still, it seemed a little abrupt to not even say, “I’ll be right back,” or “Keep having her push,” or any such phrase that would have taken two seconds and given me a little reassurance while literally in the middle of delivering my baby!

After I delivered Gavin, she started pressing very firmly all over my abdomen, which was absolutely excruciating. I have no idea how long this went on because I was in a whole different state of exhaustion and pain, but it felt like a good fifteen minutes, during which she said nothing to me at all. Two things were wrong with this. First, a little communication would have been nice. “We need to get this placenta out and I’m going to be working on your abdomen to help it out. It’s not going to be pleasant, I’m sorry.” Something! Maybe some words of encouragement while I’m groaning in pain, because I WAS, very audibly, expressing my un-enjoyment of this seemingly never-ending massage of death. Secondly, when the doctor did finally tell me what she was doing and that it wasn’t working and that they’d have to manually go in and get my placenta out, much to my absolute horror, it was only then that she recommended we do anything about the pain. Could that not have been offered to me earlier, perhaps during all my frustrations and protestations to this body pounding?

So, yes, I have considered going back to her only because she is a woman AND because the office staff is much friendlier there. But those memories flare up in my mind and I don’t feel much more trust or rapport there than I do with my new doctor. Not only that, but I’m not too sure they take my new insurance anyway. In fact, I looked up doctors on my insurance website and researched every woman obstetrician in the area, hoping I would find some gem I hadn’t seen before. But every doctor I saw had either bad reviews, mixed reviews, or was just too far away. I did find one good doctor just down the road who had great reviews and a cute little video online about how much she loves what she does and how she loves the miracle of life and how it never gets old, how she loves to see mom’s and dad’s reaction to their newborn. But, of course, she just moved to St. George! Darn it all, that’s just my luck!

So I may just have to settle for a satisfactory experience after all. Or maybe somehow, something will change that will make it extraordinary. I’m trying to be hopeful and positive. Whatever happens, I’m just hoping for things to continue to go smoothly so I can make it all the way this time, deliver a healthy baby, and be able to cuddle him straight from the womb!

In the meantime, I’m enjoying this new phase where the baby is big enough to feel his little movements. I felt his taps this week and enjoyed the heck out of it. It comes and goes but I’m excited to reach this new point and look forward to feeling him move around more and more. 

I also was able to hear his heartbeat on my Doppler for the first time. It’s pretty hard to catch, probably because he’s still fairly small and doing a lot of squirming around in there. But even if I get it for just a few seconds, it’s a sound that brings me such joy.

I’m starting to really fall for this guy, my little kicker in there. I’m getting excited to meet him, to see what he looks like, and discover his personality. 

Wrapping Up the First Trimester

I’m thirteen weeks along now and am just about done with my first trimester. I think back on those first few weeks and how much more nervous I felt at that time. Getting to the first few milestones is a nail-biting experience – the rising HCG levels, the heartbeat, and seeing the baby form and grow normally. It’s nice to have that behind me.

It’s a wonderful contrast to my past experience with in vitro. I feel like this is the closest I’ll ever come to feeling pregnant like a fertile woman would, without all the doubt and fear and heartache, and I’m so grateful for that. I’m happy to skip all the pain, but I find it’s easy to forget about the miracle inside of me when everything is going so smoothly, when I’m not on the edge of my seat waiting for tragedy. I understand how women can take for granted the miracle of conception and pregnancy when there’s no worry and everything is sailing along smoothly. At least for me, I know I’m a lot less obsessive than I was with my first child.

It’s actually made me reflect on my experiences, the contrast between the two. I met a woman once who’d battled with infertility and then had a baby of her own. She told me she was happy for the experience and the gratitude it gave her for her child, that she wouldn’t trade that for anything. That sounded a little nuts to me! Who the heck is happy for pain? I figure we’re all grateful for our children, whether we had the pain or not. But having these two contrasting experiences – the one so difficult, the other so easy - does open to my eyes to how a struggle can make the prize that much sweeter. I look back on my experiences with Gavin and remember all the pain and anguish we experienced in getting him here, the waiting and wondering and doubt. Then we had our baby boy! Oh, the magic and wonder! Suddenly, we had a whole new set of emotions – love, awe, joy, peace, and gratitude – and we felt those emotions just as intensely as we’d felt the pain, the struggle, the fear, and everything else.

I think on this pregnancy now, and I feel certain that if this had been my journey from the beginning, if I’d have skipped all the hurt and anguish, I would have missed out on the beauty I experienced in having my son and the incredibly tender feelings of love and gratitude I have in being a mother. It’s hard to remember the pain and genuinely feel grateful for that, but I do feel blessed for my experiences and where they’ve led me. It reminds me of a scripture that a friend shared with me when I was pregnant with Gavin: Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.  (Prov. 13:12)

Let me tell you, we had our tree of life. Heck, I think we had the whole Amazon rainforest!

Of course, it does help that Gavin is such a wonderful kid. He was a relatively easy baby, always happy and calm, and has become a VERY smart, fun-loving, adorable toddler. I love to see him dance, to see him laugh and be silly, to hear him read his books and see him line up his cars all in a row, to hear him talk about Jesus. My favorite moments are to snuggle with him in his rocking chair and sing him songs and know that he’s loving me and I’m loving him. If I stop singing, he says, “Songs,” because he wants me to keep singing. When I ask him if he wants to go in his bed, he says, “Snuggle” because he wants us to keep holding on to each other until he falls asleep. In those tender moments, I often think of all the life he has ahead of him and how I get to be a part of it. I imagine him as at seven years old, twelve years old, seventeen, and wonder what he will be like and what his hobbies will be. Then I see him getting married and loving another woman and remember how precious these moments are, this special time with my little boy, and I suck up every minute.

So much love and so much gratitude.

It’s wonderful to know that those feelings are ahead – more love, more gratitude, more wonder – for another child. At this point, I’m feeling calm about the pregnancy, about our future with this baby, and I’m happy to have my fetal Doppler so I can keep tabs on the baby and back up my confidence. I will always be aware of the bad things that can happen, always be aware of that chance, but it doesn’t overwhelm me with feelings of worry.  At this point, I have about a 99% chance of success and I really can’t hope for better odds than that. That’s better odds than I’ve ever had in this whole process and I’m very grateful.

Still, it doesn’t quite feel real yet and it’s hard to get excited. I have my next ultrasound in ten days, on December 28^th, and we may find out the gender then. That may help it feel more real, as it did with Gavin. If not, then perhaps a baby bump would help, or the turning of the seasons. It’s hard to get excited about a summer baby when there’s snow on the ground and Christmas is around the corner. It feels like such a long ways away!

It seriously feels like you’re pregnant forever! Here I am finishing up my first trimester and yet I look at the months and months ahead and wonder how in the world I’m already one-third of the way through. But then I think about how fiercely that baby is growing inside of me and realize just how quickly we’re moving along. The baby is essentially growing about one half an inch each week, which is crazy! Your hair grows one half an inch each MONTH, to put things in perspective. That is some intense growing going on for baby.

The other amazing thing is that the baby is essentially fully formed at this point. It spends those first two months making all those systems and organs and turning into a tiny baby, then spends the second and third trimester just growing, with some fine tuning along the way. Remember my blog on ovaries and eggs and how a woman is born with all her eggs? If I’m having a girl, she already has 2 million eggs inside of her ovaries. CRAZY! How can there be 2 million of ANYTHING inside something so small?

Yet, the baby is really not so small anymore. Right now, it’s measuring at about 3 inches, from head to rump, and will be nearly 4 inches long when we see the baby on ultrasound at 15 weeks. That’s a whopping 2 and half inches longer than when we saw it last, dancing on the ultrasound! Yes, lots and lots of fierce growing and I am amazed at it all.

For now, I’m feeling incredibly blessed to be here with things going so well. Every day that passes is a gift, one step closer to meeting this child, and much much better than the alternative. Gavin and I pray together each day that the baby will keep growing. I make sure to be specific: “Bless this baby brother or baby sister, that he will grow like he should, that I will meet him someday, that he will be part of our family, and we can play together and be friends.” And I always make sure that Gavin adds his “Amen!”

I’m anxious and excited to find out the gender. Gavin loves to hang out with the boys. It makes sense because he is ALL boy, in every way. So it’d be fun for him to have a brother. It runs in the family too. My parents and my siblings had to have their two boys before moving on to the girls. So we’ll see if I keep the streak going. But a girl would be lovely. I think it would be a good way to balance out Gavin a little bit. Not only that, but I have literally been surrounded by boys my entire life. I was the only girl in my family, the only girl my age in my neighborhood, and the only girl my age at church. I even took geeky computer classes in high school with ALL boys. I am definitely ready for some girl power. If I end up having all boys, I’ll throw my hands up in the air and accept my lot in life, haha!

Either way, I won’t lie and say that I’m feeling ready for this baby. The thought of a hyperactive toddler and a newborn sort of terrifies me. I still have six months to go, though. Maybe by then we’ll have a house and more space for this toddler to play in. Maybe by then, Gavin will be out of diapers. Maybe by then, Gavin will be a better listener and a little calmer. Or maybe I should accept that I’m going to be utterly exhausted for the next five years. Guess I better go take a nap while I still can.

Whatever the case, I’m excited for this baby, to discover who he/she is and feel that love all over again, that very special love, that gift from God, the love of a mother.

Dancing Queen (or King?)

So many women feel so very icky during pregnancy. Even though it's one of the most feminine things you can do - grow a baby - it's a time when you feel so very unfeminine. One friend of mine couldn't keep anything down and had to be hospitalized, the poor soul. When you're not busy losing your lunch, you're sleeping like a sloth, eating like a pig, and finally get the reward of looking (and feeling) like a walrus in the end. Heck, then you have the baby and feel like a milking cow! Yes, it's hard to feel like yourself when you’re pregnant. You just feel like one animal or another. If only it was an eagle or a dolphin or a gazelle or something.

I’m one of the lucky ones who has been spared so much of the ickiness and I’m grateful for that. I kept waiting for the nausea to come but it never did. There were a few moments, brief and mild, and that was it. If this is an easy pregnancy, I’ll take it.

Still, it’s hard not to worry when the symptoms aren’t there and these three weeks went by a little too quietly for my tastes. Even though I don’t enjoy nausea, or the smell of a toilet bowl, it’s comforting to feel like you’re a full-blown pregnant woman. So I actually celebrated any little bouts of nausea that I had and was hoping for more.

Just yesterday, I got my fetal Doppler from my friend and took it home looking for some reassurance, even though I know it’s a little early to be hearing anything. I wasn’t able to hear a heartbeat, but I thought I heard some movement and that gave me hope.

Perhaps those little movements helped me to feel as calm and confident as I did today, going in to meet my new doctor and check on the baby. It’s a good thing I was so calm because the wait was awful. It took an hour for them to call me back, then another fifteen minutes before the doctor came to my room. That would have been an excruciating wait if I’d have been worried about the baby!

The doctor came in and talked with me about my history. We talked about my pregnancy with Gavin, how my lungs had filled up with fluid, how my delivery was so sudden, and how my stubborn placenta didn’t want to come out. Yeah, there was nothing noteworthy about that pregnancy!

After our little meet and greet, we went in to do the ultrasound. Up popped a beautiful looking baby, now 11 weeks along and about an inch and half long. It’s amazing to me how well-defined everything is, the arms and legs and the face, even the fingers and toes! That’s right. In just two months, we go from this to this.

What I loved was how relaxed the baby looked, like it had its leg up resting on the wall, taking a little nap. I thought of the baby relaxing on a hammock, enjoying its little home. I guess Baby better enjoy it now before it gets a whole lot more crowded in there!

I enjoyed watching this little siesta inside of me, but I was downright giddy when that baby started doing some water aerobics in there! All of a sudden, Baby starts bouncing around and I got all kinds of views of the arms and legs and even a butt shot. Frankly, I was a little jealous. It looks pretty fun to be that weightless, fluttering around. I always did enjoy that about skin diving and snorkeling, feeling that weightlessness and freedom. Enjoy it, Baby, while you still have the chance.

Click here to the see the video, which is really quite fun.

It still blows my mind that this is happening inside of me. There’s something so odd to me about a living being growing and dancing inside of me and yet I can’t feel it or detect it in any way. I’d think you’d be able to sense that, even with it being so small. Man, our bodies are so amazing and bizarre and mind-boggling and complex. And I’m growing another one inside of me right now.

Mind. Blown.

The doctor told me that my chances of miscarriage are only between one and two percent now. Those are great numbers and do make me feel at ease, as if the dancing baby wasn’t hope enough. I’m set to go back on December 28^th and I’ll be close to 15 weeks at that point. The doctor told me we can usually tell the gender by then, which is a little earlier than I thought. So that’ll be exciting! We’ll find out if Gavin is getting a brother or a sister!

I may not have the nausea, but I am sleeping like a sloth, eating like a pig, and slowly morphing into walrus-mode, one cookie at a time. Since I got none of my usual three naps in today, I’m about ready to hit the hay! Got me some baby to grow!

My Growing Gummy Bear

Growing a baby is exhausting! Here I am making fingers and toes, eyes and nose, lungs and heart, and all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep! My energy level is definitely low. I take more naps than I used to and they tend to last quite a bit longer too.

Of course, my activity level has gone down as well and usually I have more energy the more active I am. I've been too nervous to go to the gym and have terribly missed my boot camp and cycling classes. So I may be more tired because of the low activity level and my carefree diet too. Sugar tends to knock you out and I've said yes much more than no lately.

But I still say this baby has something to do with it!

That being the only symptom, however, makes me feel pretty darn lucky. I keep waiting for the nausea to rear its ugly head but it still hasn't happened. I have had a few brief waves here and there. And I mean very brief, like seconds or minutes. Maybe I haven't eaten for a long time or I got up too fast or I ate too much. I'll think, "Oh there it is," but then it passes and I kind of laugh like, "What was that even?" Since I'm coming up on nine weeks, I'm guessing I may be really lucky with this baby and only have my tiny little waves. (Knock on wood) And that's alright with me!

We had our eight week ultrasound last week, on November 11th. That's Veterans Day and my husband's birthday too so it works out pretty well since he always has his birthday off. I thought it'd be a good day for an ultrasound since he'd already be off work.

I've been feeling so calm about this pregnancy and I felt that calm when going to the ultrasound. I wish I could trust that a little bit more but experience has taught me that feelings can fool you. So I tried to keep my hope in check as we went in to our appointment, just in case. I was just praying for a good experience so we didn't have to ruin the day and make a bad memory.

But we didn't ruin it. It was actually quite a fun addition to my husband's special day!

The image came up on the screen and the first thing I see is a wiry cord. When you're expecting to see a jellybean in there and see a snake instead, it can be a little confusing and worrisome. Was that the baby and it had fallen apart? Thankfully, the doctor quickly cleared things up and was quite amazed at how well we could see my umbilical cord! Oh. That makes sense. Phew!

I don't know that I'd ever seen an umbilical cord so clearly before. We took a good look at it and he pointed out the blood flowing inside of the cord. Wow! I had no idea you'd be able to see that! It was such a neat thing to actually see the life flowing between us. It still feels completely unreal but it was a very cool image and a cool thought anyway.

So the cord is all fine and well, but where's the baby?

Ah, there it is. We finally got a decent look at our little one, who is about the size of a cinnamon bear, and could see the heartbeat too. Makes sense since we saw the blood flowing through the cord! And the baby was measuring right on target, to the day. This is the most cooperative and easy-going baby ever, and I bet this baby will be like that growing up too. Hey, I can dream, right?

The doctor had said that at this stage, the baby should look like a little skateboard with wheels. You look down at the top of the skateboard (the body) and see the wheels poking out of the sides (the arms and legs). I thought that was a funny analogy and very cute. We searched for the little wheels and eventually found them, my little baby nubbins. Click here for the full ultrasound video.

I was curious about the heartbeat, to see if it would be the same as before at 119. But it had shot up to 178! That seemed kind of fast to me but I did some reading on it and that's right on target. The beat tends to start out slower, then get faster around this time, and then level out closer to 120 - 140 once you reach a certain point. That put my mind at ease. Once again, baby is doing everything right.

It was definitely a good day for us. Having served in the military, Nick can access free stuff on Veteran's Day and that sure works out well for his birthday. He had a free pancake breakfast at IHOP, we spent our afternoon at the aquarium for free, then we ended with a free pizza at California Pizza Kitchen.

All the while, I was feeling so blessed and amazed at how this has worked out for us. I'm still reeling from the fact that we were successful on our first try. I had all my riot gear on and was ready to walk through that battlefield, whatever it took. Instead of a battle, I've just been having a lovely stroll. Never saw that coming!

We have our next ultrasound on December 2nd when I'm 11 weeks along. I still feel like we're not quite out of the clear yet and I suppose you never are until you hold that baby in your arms. I'm on that lovely stroll but I've still got a lot of walking to do til I reach my destination! Your first trimester presents the biggest hill in your journey though and I think I'll be a lot more excited when I reach the top of that hill.

It's going to be an exciting Christmas for us.

My Easy-Going Rapidly Growing Baby

I'm seven and a half weeks pregnant right now and my little tadpole is quickly forming into a tiny person.

It's truly amazing how fiercely that baby grows and develops, especially in the first two months. What starts out as a spec of dust will form into a miniature baby with arms, legs, hands, feet, eyes and nose all by the tenth week of pregnancy. So many of its precious parts are already formed by then and the baby will spend the next thirty weeks just growing in size, with some refinement of course.

It's such a rapid pace, I feel like you could just sit and watch it happen. It's like waking up to those mushrooms on your lawn that weren't there yesterday! How did this happen!?

I had my first ultrasound at six weeks pregnant. At that time, the little baby was just a quarter inch long. Here I am just a week and half later, and that baby has doubled in length, just over half an inch now! Can you imagine doubling in size in just one week!? Some of us might with Thanksgiving around the corner, haha! Drink up that egg nog, that'll do the trick!

That's when I'll hit ten weeks - Thanksgiving. That's when this little life will become a recognizable tiny baby. Can you believe that tadpole in the picture above is going to turn into THIS in just three weeks!?

It feels like it's happening quickly. And I still have that disbelief in all of it. This was too simple, too easy, so I'm kind of waiting for the catch. I remind myself that most pregnancies are successful, and most babies are born healthy. So my chances are actually pretty good, even considering my history. And I have a lot of hope in that. I really do.

But I do keep my distance from it. I've been conditioned to build this wall around myself, and it is one sturdy wall. It keeps me outside of all the emotions involved, the fears and the hopes. I can see them but I don't feel them. And I don't think much of it. I try to be calm and live life normally, which I figure is the best thing to do for my baby anyway.

The only downside is I don't feel as much excitement as I'd like to, nor do I feel particularly connected to this baby. I often have to remind myself that I'm pregnant because it all feels so unreal, like a myth you've been told is actually true. There actually was a magic wardrobe and these kids became kings and queens on the other side, in another dimension with centaurs and talking animals! Wow, that is very cool, but still feels totally unreal. Gimme a minute to try and process that.

I remain free of pregnancy symptoms, besides the occasional cramping and my stupid bras not fitting, so that makes it unreal as well because I feel no different. It's so easy to go about my day and forget all about my pregnancy, which is a blessing in its own way. With Gavin, I had a whole lot of spotting in the beginning. I would go to the bathroom and see that dreaded red and always wonder if things were working out or not. I have none of that this time around and I'm very glad. I started having nausea at eight weeks with Gavin so we'll see if I'm singing the same song a week from now.

But I do wish I was able to conceive of this baby inside of me, no pun intended. I've even tried to lie down and put my hands on my stomach and feel the life there. But there's no connection yet. And maybe that's normal.

I have a few theories though. I wonder if it's my own fear of loss. Maybe it's too early and my heart is making sure that I don't get too invested yet. There's that darn wall again, my blessing and my curse.

I also wonder if this baby is here to bring me peace and make things easy, especially since everything has gone so smoothly. That would be a lovely yin-yang situation for my children. Gavin is very active, strong-willed, and independent and I appreciate all those things about him. I'd love to have a peaceful, calm, and snuggly child as an opposite to him and perhaps that's what's cooking. I figure Gavin looks like Nick and acts like me. Perhaps we'll have a girl who looks like me and acts like Nick. Can you imagine us switching personalities? Interesting, isn't it. So, maybe I don't feel this baby because she's doesn't have all the zest and intensity that Gavin does. Gavin is the rushing river and she is the tranquil tree.

Wishful thinking, I know. Maybe this baby will be the crankiest kid I've ever met and I'll be laughing my head off at this post someday.

I read a near-death experience where a woman saw how the spirits could choose when they entered their physical body. Some were so anxious, they came right away, at the moment of conception. Others would wait a while longer. So I wonder whether there isn't a spirit in there yet. There's no connection yet because my child isn't there. I don't remember a specific moment when I felt Gavin's spirit, but I do know I reached a point where I felt a surety that he was there. And perhaps I could feel his zest even then because it was after that point that I felt complete confidence in him, that this was a strong life force that was determined to get here. Going into the ER, having my lungs fill with fluid, and all that pre-eclampsia stuff never scared me. I knew this kid was going to fight his way into this world and he sure did, with flying colors!

We're also kind of in limbo right now. If this child comes into our family, then this apartment won't work too well for us anymore. Moving on to a three bedroom place, it'd make more sense to buy a home at that point and we're very anxious to do that. But I have no clue when that will happen since we decided to wait and buy a home when my husband finds a new job.

About a year ago, he finished his master degree and got certified doing information security. He's been trying to break into that field and we've been on the job search all this year. We've had good leads and some offers but nothing was right. So we're hoping for something to happen in the next few months so that we can get cracking on the house thing and start building up our home and family. We can find a home near his new workplace and get established, which will be a long-awaited step for us.

So, right now, I don't feel very ready for a second child and that may be inhibiting my excitement as well. We don't have the room and we're chipping away at this job search with no assurances that'll work out anytime soon. It'll be nice to feel more ready to be a mother of two.

My first job, of course, is to find an obstetrician and I spent a whole week looking for one. I did so much research and read so many reviews and talked to a few different people. I figure that having a baby is the most magical experience so you better make sure you like the people involved in the process. And I know first-hand how different your experience can be between doctors. My fertility doctor in Hawaii seemed to forget who I was and paid very little attention to my case. He didn't like my questions and seemed irritated if I took too much of his time. My fertility doctor here in Utah is the complete opposite. He asks about Gavin, loves my questions, and I never have to remind him of my medical history. That kind of attentiveness is very special and makes for a much more welcoming and calming experience.

That's what I'm looking for in my obstetrician. Unfortunately, I know exactly who I want, but she's a doctor at my own clinic and they won't let you switch doctors. She was the doctor on-call when I went in to deliver Gavin and I got such a great vibe from her. I was really hoping she would deliver him but my own doctor came just in time. My own doctor was fine, just a little too business-like for my taste. I'm hoping for someone a little warmer, a little more interested in me and my case.

But I do love the hospital where I had Gavin and there's another clinic there with a different set of doctors. So I did all my research and finally decided on a doctor. I feel very hopeful about him, especially with the reviews I read and the awards he's received. My friend delivered with him and said such great things about him. I'll be seeing him December 2nd, when I'm 11 weeks along.

In the meantime, my doctor at the fertility clinic had told me I could come in for another ultrasound if I wasn't able to get in sooner with an OB. So I set up for us to come in on November 11th, when I'm 8 weeks along. It's Nick's birthday that day, so it better be a good ultrasound!

Thank you again for all your prayers and support and for listening here on my blog. Look for another post this week when I reach my 8 week ultrasound. We'll see if the nausea hits me!